As 2010 comes to a close, I take a look back at the year and try to assess how it went for me.
It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.
GOOD STUFF:
I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.
I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).
I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.
I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.
I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.
NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:
I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.
Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Depression Again
I love Christmas. This is one of four dates in a year I look forward to. Seriously. But the past few Christmases have been studies in different stages of depression, I've noticed. Last Christmas was about anxiety and relief rolled into one. I was on my own with the kids, I had a good job, I was able to survive, things looked to be getting off to a good start. but of course, there was the ever-present worry of whether or not I would perform well on this new job, how I would be able to manage and sustain two growing children in a single-income household, and dealing with the joyful season of love and giving without a partner.
This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.
I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.
This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.
I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
In a Funk
Isn't it amazing how one moment can throw you into a days worth of funk?
I had a not-so-pleasant chat with my father-in-law at my mother-in-law's birthday party over the weekend and what he said to me in 10 minutes (without going into the gorry detail) just really insulted and upset me greatly. So much so that I've been on auto-pilot for three days since. It's true that negativity is so powerful in killing anything good so one should just do away with the negative people in their lives.
Well, I am trying really hard to get back on the saddle and continue my ride. That moment knowcked the wind out of me and I guess the other lesson there as well is to learn how to deal with the punches. I need a lesson from Manny Pacquiao.
AaAhhh....how to get out of the funk?!?!?
I had a not-so-pleasant chat with my father-in-law at my mother-in-law's birthday party over the weekend and what he said to me in 10 minutes (without going into the gorry detail) just really insulted and upset me greatly. So much so that I've been on auto-pilot for three days since. It's true that negativity is so powerful in killing anything good so one should just do away with the negative people in their lives.
Well, I am trying really hard to get back on the saddle and continue my ride. That moment knowcked the wind out of me and I guess the other lesson there as well is to learn how to deal with the punches. I need a lesson from Manny Pacquiao.
AaAhhh....how to get out of the funk?!?!?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Curiouser and Curiouser and More Lessons
When the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" came out, I admit, I wasn't interested. Brad Pitt for me had lost a lot of his attractiveness purely due to life decisions. Yes, in this case I am being 100% judgmental. I don't really care. I just found the whole Angelina thing in bad taste, bad character, poor impulse control. If his marriage really wasn't working then he should have had the decency to end it FIRST before gallivanting with another woman. Ok, I digress.
Anyway, I ended up watching the movie on HBO. Purely by accident. And I really liked it. I found I could relate to a lot of the writing. Since it spanned the lifetime of two main characters I don't know if that means I am old but I could relate. Brad Pitt was good in the movie and Cate Blanchett was luminous. Ok, Brad Pitt was hot. Again, I digress.
Below are two of many snippets of writing that touched me, spoke to me, told me that in some way the Universe was trying to make me understand things about myself, my choices, my life, what it was, what it is, what it can still be.
“It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.”
“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”
Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothing last, and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.
So, again, to living life moving forward; to loving my gifts- my kids; to loving myself and finding some peace and happiness.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Heart of the Matter
A year ago, this month, I moved out of my old home, and my old life.
A year ago, this month, I had no house, no job, no savings. But I had my kids.
A year ago, this month, I had a broken marriage, a broken heart, and a dream.
A year later I review the past months...
...My marriage is still broken
...My heart is still broken
BUT
...My kids are healthy and happy and relatively well-adjusted
...I have a home
...I have a good job
..still working on the savings, but I have an extensive plan
...I still have hope and my dream.
I want to reclaim my life, remember the old me, create the new me. I want to heal my heart and stop exposing it to the same hammer that's been breaking it to pieces for a decade. I don't ever want to center my life and love around a man. When I find myself, I promise not lose her again. Most of all, I want to accept things the way they are, be at peace with them, and move on so that I can find my own happiness.
A year ago, this month, I had no house, no job, no savings. But I had my kids.
A year ago, this month, I had a broken marriage, a broken heart, and a dream.
A year later I review the past months...
...My marriage is still broken
...My heart is still broken
BUT
...My kids are healthy and happy and relatively well-adjusted
...I have a home
...I have a good job
..still working on the savings, but I have an extensive plan
...I still have hope and my dream.
I want to reclaim my life, remember the old me, create the new me. I want to heal my heart and stop exposing it to the same hammer that's been breaking it to pieces for a decade. I don't ever want to center my life and love around a man. When I find myself, I promise not lose her again. Most of all, I want to accept things the way they are, be at peace with them, and move on so that I can find my own happiness.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Post Birthday Wish List
I've been meaning to blog about some birthday wishes, realizations, what-have-you before my actual birthday but, obviously, I wasn't able to do so. Still, I feel like I have all these thoughts, feelings, and goals locked in my brain that I just have to write them down, at the very least, to satisfy my need for a semblance of organization.
That said, what will follow is a combined "list" of sorts. Bear with me.
31 Goals, Convictions, Desires for 2010
1-Goal: To be happy without depending on someone else to be the source of this happiness.
2-Goal: To lose 20 pounds over the year
3- Conviction: Before I turned 30, I wanted to do away with the unimportant things and to focus on the things that matter. Well, this year I want to be more specific. I am convinced that what matters to me in a partner is love, loyalty, responsibility, consistency. Everything else stems from these 4 traits. And so I want to focus on the person who will be all of that to and for me and my kids.
4-Desire: I want a car before Christmas 2011.
5-Desire: I want a new PC before mid- next year.
6-Desire: I want gym membership in the last quarter of this year onwards.
7- Goal: to realize my 5-year tuition plan, and to add my own personal savings plan to the mix.
8-Goal: to get promoted in a year
9-Conviction: Romance is not dead. It is only dead if you kill it.
10-Conviction: I cannot do casual sex or casual relationships. If, in my teens and twenty's I didn't care about tomorrow. in my thirty's I find that I do.
11-Conviction: My friends are my treasures.
12-Goal: to pay all smaller debts by Christmas next year.
13-Desire: a new wardrobe
14-Desire: a bigger place with lower rent
15-Conviction: I am not the person a lot of people thought I was in ITI (negative). I am soooo much better than that.
16-Goal: to rediscover God. Again.
17-Goal: to get a sideline I can manage so that I can earn more
18-Desire: to take a trip out of town every year
19-Conviction: In times of panic, sleep.
20-Conviction: I am stronger than I thought I was or could be.
21- Conviction: I think things to death. I do. And those time when I thought I would go crazy, I stayed sane through prayer. So prayer is stronger than anyone knows.
22-Goal: to make sure my kids have all they need and then some of what they want
23-Goal: to figure out a medical plan for the kids
24-Goal: to sort out all the late vaccinations
25-Desire: to get a new mp3/4 player
26-Conviction: Nothing is ever what it seems. Not a job, a friend, a boss, a parent, a lover, a child. Take time to figure it out correctly. Try not to judge.
27-Conviction: It's ok to choose who to go out with. This way, you are sure everyone, yourself included, will have a good time.
28-Conviction: I cannot stomach immaturity at this age. It's so unattractive.
29-Conviction: My friend's mom told her almost 10 years ago that she should marry someone who could take care of her as well as her parent did. I thought then that this was a tall order and kind of unfair, but I see the wisdom in it now.
30-Conviction: Children should be better than their parents. Parents should work to make sure this happens.
31-Conviction: I will be doing this again near my 32nd birthday.
That said, what will follow is a combined "list" of sorts. Bear with me.
31 Goals, Convictions, Desires for 2010
1-Goal: To be happy without depending on someone else to be the source of this happiness.
2-Goal: To lose 20 pounds over the year
3- Conviction: Before I turned 30, I wanted to do away with the unimportant things and to focus on the things that matter. Well, this year I want to be more specific. I am convinced that what matters to me in a partner is love, loyalty, responsibility, consistency. Everything else stems from these 4 traits. And so I want to focus on the person who will be all of that to and for me and my kids.
4-Desire: I want a car before Christmas 2011.
5-Desire: I want a new PC before mid- next year.
6-Desire: I want gym membership in the last quarter of this year onwards.
7- Goal: to realize my 5-year tuition plan, and to add my own personal savings plan to the mix.
8-Goal: to get promoted in a year
9-Conviction: Romance is not dead. It is only dead if you kill it.
10-Conviction: I cannot do casual sex or casual relationships. If, in my teens and twenty's I didn't care about tomorrow. in my thirty's I find that I do.
11-Conviction: My friends are my treasures.
12-Goal: to pay all smaller debts by Christmas next year.
13-Desire: a new wardrobe
14-Desire: a bigger place with lower rent
15-Conviction: I am not the person a lot of people thought I was in ITI (negative). I am soooo much better than that.
16-Goal: to rediscover God. Again.
17-Goal: to get a sideline I can manage so that I can earn more
18-Desire: to take a trip out of town every year
19-Conviction: In times of panic, sleep.
20-Conviction: I am stronger than I thought I was or could be.
21- Conviction: I think things to death. I do. And those time when I thought I would go crazy, I stayed sane through prayer. So prayer is stronger than anyone knows.
22-Goal: to make sure my kids have all they need and then some of what they want
23-Goal: to figure out a medical plan for the kids
24-Goal: to sort out all the late vaccinations
25-Desire: to get a new mp3/4 player
26-Conviction: Nothing is ever what it seems. Not a job, a friend, a boss, a parent, a lover, a child. Take time to figure it out correctly. Try not to judge.
27-Conviction: It's ok to choose who to go out with. This way, you are sure everyone, yourself included, will have a good time.
28-Conviction: I cannot stomach immaturity at this age. It's so unattractive.
29-Conviction: My friend's mom told her almost 10 years ago that she should marry someone who could take care of her as well as her parent did. I thought then that this was a tall order and kind of unfair, but I see the wisdom in it now.
30-Conviction: Children should be better than their parents. Parents should work to make sure this happens.
31-Conviction: I will be doing this again near my 32nd birthday.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Vicki and Meredith Grey
"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event --big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."- Grey's Anatomy
I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.
What are those things worth holding on to?
I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.
What are those things worth holding on to?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tests
Just before a dream is fulfilled, the Soul of the World decides to test everything that was learned on the journey." Paolo Coelho
Livi texted this to me more than a year ago. It seems I am still being tested. I am still at a crossroad- or maybe I've encountered more than one already and the succession just appears to make these one choice. And I have a depressing, uncomfortable feeling that I am flunking these tests big time. Why can't I learn? WHY?!?
Livi texted this to me more than a year ago. It seems I am still being tested. I am still at a crossroad- or maybe I've encountered more than one already and the succession just appears to make these one choice. And I have a depressing, uncomfortable feeling that I am flunking these tests big time. Why can't I learn? WHY?!?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tears are for the Weak
I never really thought it was shameful to cry. I'd often advise friends going through tough times to let it all out as this would make them feel better. I don't know then why I can't for the life of me, just cry. I've been told several times, by different people, that I have to cry to start the "healing process". At least, it will start me on that path to being OK and happy again. I know this. And like so many things I know logically, I can't seem to make my emotions follow.I feel sad, don't get me wrong. A lot of times I am so sad I just don't want to get out of bed. And I have cried. But I don't think I've had a major cry. The soul-wrenching, tear duct- cleansing cry that I need. Why, oh why?!?
Livi said she read in a book that controlling the way you think, your thoughts, is the most important thing. Everything else pales in importance to that. Is this another proof point that I cannot control my thoughts? Am i doomed?
Livi said she read in a book that controlling the way you think, your thoughts, is the most important thing. Everything else pales in importance to that. Is this another proof point that I cannot control my thoughts? Am i doomed?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Tel'aran'rhiod and Ter'angreal
No one, except 'Wheel of Time' lovers would understand the title of my blog post. Let me explain, to provide some context to this short post:
Tel'aran'rhiod- in the book series refers to the 'World of Dreams'. Some people visit this place unknowingly when they dream, but those who are Dreamers, Wise Ones, those who can wield the One Power, and wolves, can all consciously go there. Meaning, they can schedule going to sleep in order to access this world. Here, what happens can affect you as it would in the waking world. You can also talk to people in lands far away or go to places you would otherwise have no access to.
Ter'angreal- objects made during the Age of Legends by male and female Aes Sedai together. They are made for special purposes. The White Tower uses one to raise a novice to Accepted and Accepted to Aes Sedai. The candidate crosses the arch 3 separate times and is taken to different variations of her life, at different points in time. The test is for her to overcome whatever version of her life she falls into and return to the real world. She is supposed to want to become Aes Sedai more than anything else and to know that the path to that becoming is not an easy one, the requirements unforgiving, and thus requiring strength and dedication. It is a very powerful object, and sometimes the women who go through the test don't come out. Some Aes Sedai think it's because they find a version of their life within the arches that they would rather live and so decide to stay.
Why the mention of these two very fictitious objects?
Well, last night I had a dream. And for the first time in a while, I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up after my alarm went off, I made a conscious effort to go back to sleep and return to the dream. Sometimes, you can do that. It was just a normal dream with a guy and a girl being sweet to each other. Of course, I was the girl. The guy, I don't know who he was. I just know, I loved the feeling of being cared for and being secure that I had in the dream. So much so that I wanted to 1. go back to the dream when I woke up, 2. stay in that place, at least for a while longer. Hence the reference to the Robert Jordan books.
My subconscious is making me cry.
Tel'aran'rhiod- in the book series refers to the 'World of Dreams'. Some people visit this place unknowingly when they dream, but those who are Dreamers, Wise Ones, those who can wield the One Power, and wolves, can all consciously go there. Meaning, they can schedule going to sleep in order to access this world. Here, what happens can affect you as it would in the waking world. You can also talk to people in lands far away or go to places you would otherwise have no access to.
Ter'angreal- objects made during the Age of Legends by male and female Aes Sedai together. They are made for special purposes. The White Tower uses one to raise a novice to Accepted and Accepted to Aes Sedai. The candidate crosses the arch 3 separate times and is taken to different variations of her life, at different points in time. The test is for her to overcome whatever version of her life she falls into and return to the real world. She is supposed to want to become Aes Sedai more than anything else and to know that the path to that becoming is not an easy one, the requirements unforgiving, and thus requiring strength and dedication. It is a very powerful object, and sometimes the women who go through the test don't come out. Some Aes Sedai think it's because they find a version of their life within the arches that they would rather live and so decide to stay.
Why the mention of these two very fictitious objects?
Well, last night I had a dream. And for the first time in a while, I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up after my alarm went off, I made a conscious effort to go back to sleep and return to the dream. Sometimes, you can do that. It was just a normal dream with a guy and a girl being sweet to each other. Of course, I was the girl. The guy, I don't know who he was. I just know, I loved the feeling of being cared for and being secure that I had in the dream. So much so that I wanted to 1. go back to the dream when I woke up, 2. stay in that place, at least for a while longer. Hence the reference to the Robert Jordan books.
My subconscious is making me cry.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
5th year- Supposedly.
So, today is my 5th year wedding anniversary. Oh happy day! I feel all the sweetness and light! Loved, cherished, a life shared with an understanding and caring partner. Can you feel the sarcasm?
My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.
I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.
Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?
Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.
Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.
Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:
MY WISH
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...
My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.
I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.
Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?
Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.
Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.
Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:
MY WISH
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 3
ok, this is a more positive song. I am feeling better today. And I'm trying to keep things/ issues/ people in neat little compartments so that they don't get all mixed up and confusing again.
"Let Go"
drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply
[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
[Background sounds]
[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown
So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
"Let Go"
drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply
[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
[Background sounds]
[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown
So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 2
ok, song vent for the day. Warning: there might be more than one song today, to make up for the weekend (?). I hate this month this year.
Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade?
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills.
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little somethin' to eat?
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet?
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills?
(Chorus)
I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't even notice me.
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took that job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer.
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is my shiny gun?
Where is my lonely ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade?
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills.
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little somethin' to eat?
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet?
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills?
(Chorus)
I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't even notice me.
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took that job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer.
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is my shiny gun?
Where is my lonely ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 1
I've been wanting to post about how I've been feeling this month but I just can't seem to get in the mood. Which is rare, and bad, for me since I consider this my venting outlet and a way for me to get things into some kind of acceptable perspective. I thought then, instead of blogging at length about how I feel, I'll just borrow the words from lyrics of songs I can relate to.
Here's the one for today:
Nothing That You Are
Somebody told me, they saw you somewhere
Somebody hold me, cause suddenly I'm a little, cold
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?
Chorus:
I heard you say
We were one and the same
Well wrong again
I could never do those things you did to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into the nothing that you are
The nothing you are
Somebody sold me, yeah the same old story
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Hadn't you told me, you were there the whole time
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I hope you burn in hell, or do I?
(chorus)
I know your mistakes will hunt you down, eventually
You'll know that when you hit the ground
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out
It's ok, I have the truth on my side
I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you , did, to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are x4
Here's the one for today:
Nothing That You Are
Somebody told me, they saw you somewhere
Somebody hold me, cause suddenly I'm a little, cold
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?
Chorus:
I heard you say
We were one and the same
Well wrong again
I could never do those things you did to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into the nothing that you are
The nothing you are
Somebody sold me, yeah the same old story
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Hadn't you told me, you were there the whole time
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I hope you burn in hell, or do I?
(chorus)
I know your mistakes will hunt you down, eventually
You'll know that when you hit the ground
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out
It's ok, I have the truth on my side
I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you , did, to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are x4
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I Love You Two.
The Heart Of Life"
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
...for my 2 loves.
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
...for my 2 loves.
BI-ATCH!
I have to vent about an office mate. I need to because I at my limit with patience.
Background:
We are 4 in the team, including my boss. We are all women and all relatively young. Hehehe. I am the only external hire though. We develop training plans and ensure it's execution by trainers come training time. We also develop the materials when necessary. To add to that, we are in charge of process flows for the "services" to be trained. That's the team's objective in a nutshell.
Now, I don't know how or when it started but one of my team mates seems to have a problem with me. In the beginning, she would invite me for a quick smoke or to eat out. She would chat with me before leaving at the end of the day. And even joke around during work hours.
Lately, her greeting are lukewarm at best, when they are given, she doesn't invite for anything anymore, and if we are the only two people in our row of cubicles, there is most often silence- as if we are not team mates at all.
I don't know why the attitude shifted. I've been thinking and thinking if there was anything I said to make her angry or uncomfortable and I keep coming up with nothing. We were not "friends" enough for such closeness and since our schedules are different, we would only have intersecting hours to interact so not too much contact. So it got me thinking that could she be angry at me because I spend a lot of time with our boss? I like my boss, see. I can see her become a friend outside the office, in fact. We have a lot in common- we like similar books, we like to over think things to death, we both sing and sang in choirs in school, she has a young child as well, and she has a lot of mannerisms that remind me of Livi (which is comforting). Plus, we have the same schedule. So we hang out together during break time. We eat lunch together. We go home almost always at the same time.
My team mate has issues about not being liked- and perhaps this is because she is really moody and very abrasive. She has very little people skills. The way she converses with managers is astounding and I mean that in a negative way. Thing is, she knows her people skills are lacking and yet she justifies it by saying she doesn't care what people think. At the same time, she seems to care about other people and whether these people deserve or don't deserve the attention or kudos they get from their managers. She loves to highlight the negatives of a person at the same time showcasing how much she knows about "how things should be". But she doesn't care if she is acting the ways she should in the workplace. She needs so much micro management it is amazing. Every taks assigned to her is questioned, aspects within the task passed on to other people, and when this doesn't work she pouts! As in her face falls and her voice rises when conversing! She reminds me of my 2 year old not getting her way. It is the bloodiest fucking annoying thing in the universe. And that is just how she is in general. Towards me, she is cold. Like i greet her cheerfully and she gives me a barely audible grunt. We're supposed to be attending the same meeting, we're the only ones at our stations, and yet she gets up and goes to the training room as if she is the only one in the meeting or as if I am not her team mate, there present, getting ready to go to the same meeting. And then sometimes you're talking, asking a question, and she will just butt in with her own question as if you aren't talking. I want to fucking throw a monitor at her and tell her to grow up and get some manners. According to my boss, she may be the kind who needs to be praised and given a frequent pat on the back. But to get those you have to deserve it!! So, I've decided from now on, I will treat her with the same indifference. And if it's a matter of pitting skill against skill- even if I am an external hire and my business knowledge is not as deep as hers, I can still beat her at this competition she seems to be creating. And why do I know this? Because I am confident that I know what I know and can do this well, and that I can learn what I don't know yet and do these well, also. Because I AM better than her in a lot of ways beyond just knowing about the company. When it comes to pitting Key Competencies, I dare say that I have more cghecks under more competencies that she has. Even if she's been here longer, she's been in an agent role for 3 years. I've actually managed a team. This sounds arrogant, I know, but in this case, I really honestly believe it's true and that I need to portray a certain amount of arrogance for her to understand that she isn't dealing with some stupid person from the nether regions of Manila. She isn't dumb. Far from it. But she relies heavily on emotions as the basis of her actions and decisions, making thes unwise and ultimately hindering her from career growth and improvement. Grrrrrrr!
Does my ranting make any sense?
I really just needed to vent. She is really annoying the crap out of me.
Background:
We are 4 in the team, including my boss. We are all women and all relatively young. Hehehe. I am the only external hire though. We develop training plans and ensure it's execution by trainers come training time. We also develop the materials when necessary. To add to that, we are in charge of process flows for the "services" to be trained. That's the team's objective in a nutshell.
Now, I don't know how or when it started but one of my team mates seems to have a problem with me. In the beginning, she would invite me for a quick smoke or to eat out. She would chat with me before leaving at the end of the day. And even joke around during work hours.
Lately, her greeting are lukewarm at best, when they are given, she doesn't invite for anything anymore, and if we are the only two people in our row of cubicles, there is most often silence- as if we are not team mates at all.
I don't know why the attitude shifted. I've been thinking and thinking if there was anything I said to make her angry or uncomfortable and I keep coming up with nothing. We were not "friends" enough for such closeness and since our schedules are different, we would only have intersecting hours to interact so not too much contact. So it got me thinking that could she be angry at me because I spend a lot of time with our boss? I like my boss, see. I can see her become a friend outside the office, in fact. We have a lot in common- we like similar books, we like to over think things to death, we both sing and sang in choirs in school, she has a young child as well, and she has a lot of mannerisms that remind me of Livi (which is comforting). Plus, we have the same schedule. So we hang out together during break time. We eat lunch together. We go home almost always at the same time.
My team mate has issues about not being liked- and perhaps this is because she is really moody and very abrasive. She has very little people skills. The way she converses with managers is astounding and I mean that in a negative way. Thing is, she knows her people skills are lacking and yet she justifies it by saying she doesn't care what people think. At the same time, she seems to care about other people and whether these people deserve or don't deserve the attention or kudos they get from their managers. She loves to highlight the negatives of a person at the same time showcasing how much she knows about "how things should be". But she doesn't care if she is acting the ways she should in the workplace. She needs so much micro management it is amazing. Every taks assigned to her is questioned, aspects within the task passed on to other people, and when this doesn't work she pouts! As in her face falls and her voice rises when conversing! She reminds me of my 2 year old not getting her way. It is the bloodiest fucking annoying thing in the universe. And that is just how she is in general. Towards me, she is cold. Like i greet her cheerfully and she gives me a barely audible grunt. We're supposed to be attending the same meeting, we're the only ones at our stations, and yet she gets up and goes to the training room as if she is the only one in the meeting or as if I am not her team mate, there present, getting ready to go to the same meeting. And then sometimes you're talking, asking a question, and she will just butt in with her own question as if you aren't talking. I want to fucking throw a monitor at her and tell her to grow up and get some manners. According to my boss, she may be the kind who needs to be praised and given a frequent pat on the back. But to get those you have to deserve it!! So, I've decided from now on, I will treat her with the same indifference. And if it's a matter of pitting skill against skill- even if I am an external hire and my business knowledge is not as deep as hers, I can still beat her at this competition she seems to be creating. And why do I know this? Because I am confident that I know what I know and can do this well, and that I can learn what I don't know yet and do these well, also. Because I AM better than her in a lot of ways beyond just knowing about the company. When it comes to pitting Key Competencies, I dare say that I have more cghecks under more competencies that she has. Even if she's been here longer, she's been in an agent role for 3 years. I've actually managed a team. This sounds arrogant, I know, but in this case, I really honestly believe it's true and that I need to portray a certain amount of arrogance for her to understand that she isn't dealing with some stupid person from the nether regions of Manila. She isn't dumb. Far from it. But she relies heavily on emotions as the basis of her actions and decisions, making thes unwise and ultimately hindering her from career growth and improvement. Grrrrrrr!
Does my ranting make any sense?
I really just needed to vent. She is really annoying the crap out of me.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Anger and Issues
I can't believe how fast time flies. I told myself I would post an average of 3 posts per month- just to keep my mind organized and to have an outlet for venting. But almost half of February has passed and I haven't even posted once. Good thing I had a not-so-great weekend, so I have a lot to post about.
There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.
1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.
2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.
3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.
So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?
There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.
1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.
2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.
3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.
So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Tango Maligned
I was listening to my current favorite radio station on my mp3 player on my way to work today,a s I do every work day, and one of the comments made by a listener was: "Walang maloloko kung walang magpapaloko." This sort of made the blood rush to my head and stuck, obviously, since I am still thinking about it now 4 hours later.
There are some cases where I would have to agree with this statement. I have an office mate who is with someone who consistently cheats on her. She knows this. She's caught her partner a couple of times. Other people have told her about it. This was the setting of how they got together. And yet, they are still together. My office mate's reason is, she needs an admission of the cheating to be able to let go. In this case, it really is two tango-ing. Heck, I can totally empathize with her. But I know of other couples where one is a fantastic partner. Loving, giving, etc and lauded as such by the partner at that. And yet, the partner still cheats. The reason given: that's how men are. Where is the "it takes two to tango" here?
I just thought the generalization in the comment was unfair. There really are just some shitty people who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves and their pleasure. There is no tango for these people because their lives are solo performances with the partner being just the unfortunate audience. I just needed to get that out.
There are some cases where I would have to agree with this statement. I have an office mate who is with someone who consistently cheats on her. She knows this. She's caught her partner a couple of times. Other people have told her about it. This was the setting of how they got together. And yet, they are still together. My office mate's reason is, she needs an admission of the cheating to be able to let go. In this case, it really is two tango-ing. Heck, I can totally empathize with her. But I know of other couples where one is a fantastic partner. Loving, giving, etc and lauded as such by the partner at that. And yet, the partner still cheats. The reason given: that's how men are. Where is the "it takes two to tango" here?
I just thought the generalization in the comment was unfair. There really are just some shitty people who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves and their pleasure. There is no tango for these people because their lives are solo performances with the partner being just the unfortunate audience. I just needed to get that out.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Shell Confusion
How do you know for sure if you are doing what you are meant to be doing and if you are in the place you are meant to be? For the longest time I wanted to be a part of Shell because I thought it offered me a lot of career opportunities and good benefits. I was sure that I would have no problems fitting in because I know I am not stupid. Yes, it's a different industry but I was confident I would get the hang of it after a while. Two months down the road and I still often feel like I am swimming in a foreign ocean, required to use strokes I'd never heard of nor seen before, let alone know!
I don't know what to do with all my confusion.
I don't know what to do with all my confusion.
Friday, December 11, 2009
15 again
I recently discovered how I like a lot of the Taylor Swift songs coming out lately. There's a new one that just hit me with nostalgia, it was unbelievable.
Fifteen
You take a deep breath
And you walk through the doors
It's the mornin of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
And try to stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year
And you're gonna be here for the next 4 years
In this town
Hopin' one of those Senior boys
Will wink at you and say 'I haven't seen you around before'
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feelin' like there's nothin to figure out
Count to ten
Take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen
You sit in class next to red-head Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughi'n at the other girls
Who they think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date
And he's got a car
And you're feelin like flyin
And you're momma's waitin up
And you're thinkin he's the one
And you're dancin around the room when the night ends
When the night ends
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
And your first kiss makes your head spin around
But in your life you'll do things
Greater than datin the boy on the football team ---> yes.
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now ---> hell, yeah.
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams in life
And Abigail gave everything she had
To a boy who changed his mind
And we both cried
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might know who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
at fifteen ---> is it ok to say I still don't know, 15 years later?
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...
You're very first day
Take a deep breath girl
And take a deep breath as you walk through the doors
wow. It was a nostalgia so deep I almost wanted to cry. How I would change a lot if I could only turn back time. But I know I can't, and I know (cliche as it may sound) that a lot of what I know now is because of the 15 years after 15.
Funny, my dad told me when I was 15 that he didn't want me to start "dating" too early because, when the right time to date would come around I would be tired or in a hurry or at a stage beyond where everyone else was. He was right but, of course, I didn't listen. I hope I'll have better luck getting my kids to understand this when I tell them.
Fifteen
You take a deep breath
And you walk through the doors
It's the mornin of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
And try to stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year
And you're gonna be here for the next 4 years
In this town
Hopin' one of those Senior boys
Will wink at you and say 'I haven't seen you around before'
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feelin' like there's nothin to figure out
Count to ten
Take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen
You sit in class next to red-head Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughi'n at the other girls
Who they think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date
And he's got a car
And you're feelin like flyin
And you're momma's waitin up
And you're thinkin he's the one
And you're dancin around the room when the night ends
When the night ends
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
And your first kiss makes your head spin around
But in your life you'll do things
Greater than datin the boy on the football team ---> yes.
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now ---> hell, yeah.
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams in life
And Abigail gave everything she had
To a boy who changed his mind
And we both cried
Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might know who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
at fifteen ---> is it ok to say I still don't know, 15 years later?
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...
You're very first day
Take a deep breath girl
And take a deep breath as you walk through the doors
wow. It was a nostalgia so deep I almost wanted to cry. How I would change a lot if I could only turn back time. But I know I can't, and I know (cliche as it may sound) that a lot of what I know now is because of the 15 years after 15.
Funny, my dad told me when I was 15 that he didn't want me to start "dating" too early because, when the right time to date would come around I would be tired or in a hurry or at a stage beyond where everyone else was. He was right but, of course, I didn't listen. I hope I'll have better luck getting my kids to understand this when I tell them.
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