As 2010 comes to a close, I take a look back at the year and try to assess how it went for me.
It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.
I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.
I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).
I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.
I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.
I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.
I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.
Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.