Monday, September 20, 2010

The Mind is a Powerful Thing

I've been struggling with issues for the past year, ever since I separated from my husband, and I've been trying every way I know how to organize, understand, compartmentalize, and accept all my issues. I would tell myself, once I get to do this, I will be better.

But all my efforts have failed so far and all I've become in the year since I moved out is conflicted. And I don't want to be that way anymore.

Last night, I met up with a friend of mine whom I've known since 6th grade. She's getting married next month and I wanted to catch up with her because, one, we hadn't talked in months and months, and two, i am going to miss her wedding as it's a destination wedding. I told her about all that transpired in the months since she and I last talked and it was cathartic. One thing she said that night really stuck: He (husband) was right in saying you were never this negative before. You were more hopeful, more positive. And while sometimes a person can bring out the worst in you, you also allowed yourself to sink deeper and deeper into negativity. What a waste. your life will be a waste if you limit yourself, if you allow your negativity and your mind to limit you and keep you from being happy.

I admit, she is right. And she isn't the first one who has said this to me.

So I am really making the effort now to be more positive. To CHOOSE to be happy. First thing, mind detox- I am reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now". It was a gift from another good friend 3 years ago. I never read it but I think now is as good a time as any. I am making the effort to rephrase what I think and say. I am making the effort to say "OK, I can.." or "Alright, I'll try that.." instead of "No, but.." or "the thing is.."

I know I can do this.

Monday, September 13, 2010

New Post

I'm staring a new job this month. Same company but different role. I am quite nervous about it, to be honest. It kinda feels like just when I get my balance, something rocks my carefully crafted boat. I'm beginning to think though that such is life. Just when you think you have it all figured out, you're thrown for a loop. I guess I should work on getting used to nothing ever working it quite the way you hope or plan.

In line with this, I am redirecting my energies to working on things I can control- myself.

I went to the gym over the weekend for the first time in years. It felt great. It felt like coming back to a class you loved and had to leave for some reason you don't even remember. I am working now on being able to get back to doing that on a regular basis.

I am doing mind exercises. I've decided to train my mind to move on. I was able to train it to forget soooo many years ago. And since I cant do that this time, I will train it to move on. So any time i get a thought that threatens to plunge me into that pit of depression Ive come to know so well, i make a conscious effort to think about other things. And only after the feeling of falling has passed do I allow myself to go back to those dangerous thoughts, try to process them objectively, and put away what I can. This is a work in progress and, to date my biggest project. One way I've decided to help myself is to open this blog to the public. Maybe through venting I can further release all the negativity that's been surrounding me for so long.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

A year ago, this month, I moved out of my old home, and my old life.

A year ago, this month, I had no house, no job, no savings. But I had my kids.

A year ago, this month, I had a broken marriage, a broken heart, and a dream.

A year later I review the past months...

...My marriage is still broken
...My heart is still broken


...My kids are healthy and happy and relatively well-adjusted
...I have a home
...I have a good job
..still working on the savings, but I have an extensive plan
...I still have hope and my dream.

I want to reclaim my life, remember the old me, create the new me. I want to heal my heart and stop exposing it to the same hammer that's been breaking it to pieces for a decade. I don't ever want to center my life and love around a man. When I find myself, I promise not lose her again. Most of all, I want to accept things the way they are, be at peace with them, and move on so that I can find my own happiness.