I'm staring a new job this month. Same company but different role. I am quite nervous about it, to be honest. It kinda feels like just when I get my balance, something rocks my carefully crafted boat. I'm beginning to think though that such is life. Just when you think you have it all figured out, you're thrown for a loop. I guess I should work on getting used to nothing ever working it quite the way you hope or plan.
In line with this, I am redirecting my energies to working on things I can control- myself.
I went to the gym over the weekend for the first time in years. It felt great. It felt like coming back to a class you loved and had to leave for some reason you don't even remember. I am working now on being able to get back to doing that on a regular basis.
I am doing mind exercises. I've decided to train my mind to move on. I was able to train it to forget soooo many years ago. And since I cant do that this time, I will train it to move on. So any time i get a thought that threatens to plunge me into that pit of depression Ive come to know so well, i make a conscious effort to think about other things. And only after the feeling of falling has passed do I allow myself to go back to those dangerous thoughts, try to process them objectively, and put away what I can. This is a work in progress and, to date my biggest project. One way I've decided to help myself is to open this blog to the public. Maybe through venting I can further release all the negativity that's been surrounding me for so long.
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
Plans for 2010
I've gone through a lot of changes since mid-year. Ironically, a little over a month after I turned 30. I remember creating a post a month before my birthday listing down my goals for the next decade of my life and I've already commented on how accurately the Universe followed my list- although not in the easiest, happiest way. I am alive and kicking though and still looking forward to this decade. In many ways, now more so than ever before, it feels like a new start. So I was thinking of listing down things again. Goals, desires, plans- however you want to call it. At least for 2010 first. Affie also made me think had about this, since it seems she already has her goals for next year set. So what will go into this list? Hmmmm...
1. More financial stability- I need to get regularized, then I need to perform so that before my 1st year I can look at trying to jump to the next job group. Of course, this means I have to learn a bajillion things in less than 12 months- so much so that I will have a complete set of competencies under my belt for the move upwards. I see this as a tough task since I've come to discover the company I've been targeting joining in, like, forever, is pretty boring. For people who know me well enough, alarm bells should be going off since I don't do boring very well. But I am thinking, you can't get everything you want all the time. So I am determined to make lemonade out of these lemons. In fairness, they are pretty good quality lemons so the lemonade should taste fantastic, regardless of the creativity in making it so. So there.
2. Practical but important things to schedule and accomplish- 1. school of Tyler- I need to decide whether to put him in in January or start the school year fresh in June. January pros would be that he is back in an environment he likes (schooling) which might further help him adjust to our new life, he would get a full quarter of learning to help prepare him for big boy school when he turns 6 (which is in 2 years! boohoo! my baby boy- this is for another post). January cons would be EXPENSIVE!!! But I am hoping to iron this out with their dad. 2. doctor's vaccinations- Tyler is late for one vaccine and a booster, and Skye hasn't gotten her MMR. I've been vacillating about this because of fear over the alleged links of vaccines to latent autism. But when she broke out mid-year in what looked like a measles rash, I panicked. So I think I am going to get it done. She'll be 2.2 years by then and her brother is OK and got it before his 18th month so I am hoping... 3. transportation set-up- I don't know if this means I have to seriously look into getting a car. I also don't know how this is feasible since I don't think I can afford one anytime soon. I just know that I need one, mainly for the kids, since I can survive well enough commuting. 4. Good, stable, dependable yaya's- I have one already. I am hoping that I get an all around/yaya who is as good if not better and who won't cost me an arm and a leg.
3. More love of self- I think I've forgotten how to really and truly love myself. I can almost feel eyebrows rising to the high heavens. Yes, really. I mean, I know I can be all about myself at times- when talking over coffee, in reacting to certain situations, etc. I mean, look at the name of my blog, for Pete's sake! But that's not really what I am referring to here. I hope I am able to articulate this well. I am talking about the loving what's deep inside so well that it just feeds into everything about you- this needs re-learning. I don't think I've fed my soul anytime lately- read a really good book that made me think about things and decide about my own life plan; seen a fantastic movie that made me remember and cry and process and laugh; watched a play or concert, gone to the spa, and so on and so forth- just done things that make me feel good so much that this just gets absorbed into my pores and is translated to the world. When I was in college, I walked around with the supreme confidence that I was the best I could be in so many ways and that who wouldn't want to get to know me because of that. It sounds arrogant, I know. But I am not saying I felt like I was the prettiest, sexiest, smartest woman around. Just that for me, myself, I was fabulous. And I want to get that back. That confidence that required no one's input to keep the tank full. ME.
4. Someone to watch over me- hehehehe. I thought the song would be the most fitting line for this point. After all the "me" loving comes the person who will love, adore, worship me. Hahahahaha! I am officially claiming this. 2010 is the year. Before my birthday, preferably. And when he finally finds me, it will be grand!
I think these are 4 important goals, desires, plans for 2010. And I am hoping the Universe is as dependable in 2010 as it was this year. Note to Universe though, please make it happy this time. I think I could use a leg up.
1. More financial stability- I need to get regularized, then I need to perform so that before my 1st year I can look at trying to jump to the next job group. Of course, this means I have to learn a bajillion things in less than 12 months- so much so that I will have a complete set of competencies under my belt for the move upwards. I see this as a tough task since I've come to discover the company I've been targeting joining in, like, forever, is pretty boring. For people who know me well enough, alarm bells should be going off since I don't do boring very well. But I am thinking, you can't get everything you want all the time. So I am determined to make lemonade out of these lemons. In fairness, they are pretty good quality lemons so the lemonade should taste fantastic, regardless of the creativity in making it so. So there.
2. Practical but important things to schedule and accomplish- 1. school of Tyler- I need to decide whether to put him in in January or start the school year fresh in June. January pros would be that he is back in an environment he likes (schooling) which might further help him adjust to our new life, he would get a full quarter of learning to help prepare him for big boy school when he turns 6 (which is in 2 years! boohoo! my baby boy- this is for another post). January cons would be EXPENSIVE!!! But I am hoping to iron this out with their dad. 2. doctor's vaccinations- Tyler is late for one vaccine and a booster, and Skye hasn't gotten her MMR. I've been vacillating about this because of fear over the alleged links of vaccines to latent autism. But when she broke out mid-year in what looked like a measles rash, I panicked. So I think I am going to get it done. She'll be 2.2 years by then and her brother is OK and got it before his 18th month so I am hoping... 3. transportation set-up- I don't know if this means I have to seriously look into getting a car. I also don't know how this is feasible since I don't think I can afford one anytime soon. I just know that I need one, mainly for the kids, since I can survive well enough commuting. 4. Good, stable, dependable yaya's- I have one already. I am hoping that I get an all around/yaya who is as good if not better and who won't cost me an arm and a leg.
3. More love of self- I think I've forgotten how to really and truly love myself. I can almost feel eyebrows rising to the high heavens. Yes, really. I mean, I know I can be all about myself at times- when talking over coffee, in reacting to certain situations, etc. I mean, look at the name of my blog, for Pete's sake! But that's not really what I am referring to here. I hope I am able to articulate this well. I am talking about the loving what's deep inside so well that it just feeds into everything about you- this needs re-learning. I don't think I've fed my soul anytime lately- read a really good book that made me think about things and decide about my own life plan; seen a fantastic movie that made me remember and cry and process and laugh; watched a play or concert, gone to the spa, and so on and so forth- just done things that make me feel good so much that this just gets absorbed into my pores and is translated to the world. When I was in college, I walked around with the supreme confidence that I was the best I could be in so many ways and that who wouldn't want to get to know me because of that. It sounds arrogant, I know. But I am not saying I felt like I was the prettiest, sexiest, smartest woman around. Just that for me, myself, I was fabulous. And I want to get that back. That confidence that required no one's input to keep the tank full. ME.
4. Someone to watch over me- hehehehe. I thought the song would be the most fitting line for this point. After all the "me" loving comes the person who will love, adore, worship me. Hahahahaha! I am officially claiming this. 2010 is the year. Before my birthday, preferably. And when he finally finds me, it will be grand!
I think these are 4 important goals, desires, plans for 2010. And I am hoping the Universe is as dependable in 2010 as it was this year. Note to Universe though, please make it happy this time. I think I could use a leg up.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Clinical Depression?
Something Affie said a few days ago stuck. She said you can be depressed without knowing it, or even show obvious signs of it. This got me thinking. I've been in this rut lately. But it seems, upon reflection, that this rut has been happening pretty frequently. I decided to do some research on depression and this is what I found:
Signs and symptoms of depression
Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that's when it's time to seek help.
Common signs and symptoms of depression:
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation. -- hmm, not really.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure. --some but not all mentioned here.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month. --ok, weight loss. But this is a good thing. Really.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia). --yes
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves. --yes, yes
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete. --yes, yes, yes
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes. --ok, I've been like this since high school, ask my best friend, so I don't think this counts.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things. --yup
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain. - definitely
Types of depression:
Major depression
Major depression is characterized by the inability to enjoy life and experience pleasure. The symptoms are constant, ranging from moderate to severe. Left untreated, major depression typically lasts for about six months. Some people experience just a single depressive episode in their lifetime, but more commonly, major depression is a recurring disorder. However, there are many things you can do to support your mood and reduce the risk of recurrence.
Atypical Depression
Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection. Atypical depression responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying this subtype can be particularly helpful. (this sounds more like what I've been going through)
Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)
Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
There’s a reason why so many movies and books portray rainy days and stormy weather as gloomy. Some people get depressed in the fall or winter, when overcast days are frequent and sunlight is limited. This type of depression is called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Seasonal affective disorder is more common in northern climates and in younger people. Like depression, seasonal affective disorder is treatable. Light therapy, a treatment that involves exposure to bright artificial light, often helps relieve symptoms.
Some causes of depression. The list was long so I only included what I thought was applicable:
Role strain - Women often suffer from role strain over conflicting and overwhelming responsibilities in their life. The more roles a woman is expected to play (mother, wife, working woman), the more vulnerable she is to role strain and subsequent stress and depression. Depression is more common in women who receive little help with housework and child care. Single mothers are particularly at risk. Research indicates that single mothers are three times more likely than married mothers to experience an episode of major depression.
Relationship dissatisfaction - While rates of depression are lower for the married than for the single and divorced, the benefits of marriage and its general contribution to well-being are greater for men than for women. Furthermore, the benefits disappear entirely for women whose marital satisfaction is low. Lack of intimacy and marital strife are linked to depression in women.
Coping mechanisms - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.
Stress response - According to Psychology Today, women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.
Treatment:
Ask for help and support
If even the thought of tackling your depression seems overwhelming, don’t panic. Feeling helpless and hopeless is a symptom of depression—not the reality of your situation. It does not mean that you’re weak or you can’t change! The key to depression recovery is to start small and ask for help. Having a strong support system in place will speed your recovery. Isolation fuels depression, so reach out to others, even when you feel like being alone. Let your family and friends know what you’re going through and how they can support you.
Make healthy lifestyle changes
Lifestyle changes are not always easy to make, but they can have a big impact on depression. Take a good look at your own lifestyle. What changes could you make to support depression recovery? Self-help strategies that can be very effective include:
Cultivating supportive relationships
Getting regular exercise and sleep
Eating a healthy, mood-boosting diet
Managing stress
Practicing relaxation techniques
Challenging negative thought patterns
Learn social and emotional skills
Many people lack the skills needed to overcome stress and make satisfying connections to others and these limitations may contribute to depression. This is a skill set that can be learned.
Seek professional help
If positive lifestyle changes and support from family and friends aren’t enough, seek help from a mental health professional. There are many effective treatments for depression, including therapy, medication, and alternative treatments. Learning about your options will help you decide what measures are most likely to work best for your particular situation and needs.
Are antidepressants right for you?
Medication can help relieve the symptoms of depression in some people, but they aren’t a cure and they come with drawbacks of their own. Learning the facts about antidepressants and weighing the benefits against the risks can help you make an informed and personal decision about whether medication is right for you.
Effective treatment for depression often includes some form of therapy. Therapy gives you tools to treat depression from a variety of angles. What’s more, what you learn in therapy gives you skills and insight to prevent depression from coming back. Some types of therapy teach you practical techniques on how to reframe negative thinking and employ behavioral skills in combating depression. Therapy can also help you work through the root of your depression, helping you understand why you feel a certain way, what your triggers are for depression, and what you can do to stay healthy.
After all this research I am thinking that maybe I am depressed. I don't like the idea of taking meds or paying to see a shrink though. Both are too time consuming and expensive. So I am going to try the tips highlighted in light green and see if they do me any good.
Signs and symptoms of depression
Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that's when it's time to seek help.
Common signs and symptoms of depression:
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation. -- hmm, not really.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure. --some but not all mentioned here.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month. --ok, weight loss. But this is a good thing. Really.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia). --yes
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves. --yes, yes
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete. --yes, yes, yes
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes. --ok, I've been like this since high school, ask my best friend, so I don't think this counts.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things. --yup
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain. - definitely
Types of depression:
Major depression
Major depression is characterized by the inability to enjoy life and experience pleasure. The symptoms are constant, ranging from moderate to severe. Left untreated, major depression typically lasts for about six months. Some people experience just a single depressive episode in their lifetime, but more commonly, major depression is a recurring disorder. However, there are many things you can do to support your mood and reduce the risk of recurrence.
Atypical Depression
Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection. Atypical depression responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying this subtype can be particularly helpful. (this sounds more like what I've been going through)
Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)
Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
There’s a reason why so many movies and books portray rainy days and stormy weather as gloomy. Some people get depressed in the fall or winter, when overcast days are frequent and sunlight is limited. This type of depression is called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Seasonal affective disorder is more common in northern climates and in younger people. Like depression, seasonal affective disorder is treatable. Light therapy, a treatment that involves exposure to bright artificial light, often helps relieve symptoms.
Some causes of depression. The list was long so I only included what I thought was applicable:
Role strain - Women often suffer from role strain over conflicting and overwhelming responsibilities in their life. The more roles a woman is expected to play (mother, wife, working woman), the more vulnerable she is to role strain and subsequent stress and depression. Depression is more common in women who receive little help with housework and child care. Single mothers are particularly at risk. Research indicates that single mothers are three times more likely than married mothers to experience an episode of major depression.
Relationship dissatisfaction - While rates of depression are lower for the married than for the single and divorced, the benefits of marriage and its general contribution to well-being are greater for men than for women. Furthermore, the benefits disappear entirely for women whose marital satisfaction is low. Lack of intimacy and marital strife are linked to depression in women.
Coping mechanisms - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.
Stress response - According to Psychology Today, women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.
Treatment:
Ask for help and support
If even the thought of tackling your depression seems overwhelming, don’t panic. Feeling helpless and hopeless is a symptom of depression—not the reality of your situation. It does not mean that you’re weak or you can’t change! The key to depression recovery is to start small and ask for help. Having a strong support system in place will speed your recovery. Isolation fuels depression, so reach out to others, even when you feel like being alone. Let your family and friends know what you’re going through and how they can support you.
Make healthy lifestyle changes
Lifestyle changes are not always easy to make, but they can have a big impact on depression. Take a good look at your own lifestyle. What changes could you make to support depression recovery? Self-help strategies that can be very effective include:
Cultivating supportive relationships
Getting regular exercise and sleep
Eating a healthy, mood-boosting diet
Managing stress
Practicing relaxation techniques
Challenging negative thought patterns
Learn social and emotional skills
Many people lack the skills needed to overcome stress and make satisfying connections to others and these limitations may contribute to depression. This is a skill set that can be learned.
Seek professional help
If positive lifestyle changes and support from family and friends aren’t enough, seek help from a mental health professional. There are many effective treatments for depression, including therapy, medication, and alternative treatments. Learning about your options will help you decide what measures are most likely to work best for your particular situation and needs.
Are antidepressants right for you?
Medication can help relieve the symptoms of depression in some people, but they aren’t a cure and they come with drawbacks of their own. Learning the facts about antidepressants and weighing the benefits against the risks can help you make an informed and personal decision about whether medication is right for you.
Effective treatment for depression often includes some form of therapy. Therapy gives you tools to treat depression from a variety of angles. What’s more, what you learn in therapy gives you skills and insight to prevent depression from coming back. Some types of therapy teach you practical techniques on how to reframe negative thinking and employ behavioral skills in combating depression. Therapy can also help you work through the root of your depression, helping you understand why you feel a certain way, what your triggers are for depression, and what you can do to stay healthy.
After all this research I am thinking that maybe I am depressed. I don't like the idea of taking meds or paying to see a shrink though. Both are too time consuming and expensive. So I am going to try the tips highlighted in light green and see if they do me any good.
Monday, November 16, 2009
REBOOT
Ok, so here it is.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged.
These events have, obviously, prompted me to close my old blog and open this new one.
New blog for new events, at least that’s how I want to look at it.
Recap:
Without going into all the sordid details, I am now living with my kids, just the three of us, in a new house, relatively far away from where we used to live. It’s been an adjustment for all parties involved but, thankfully, one that hasn’t been too taxing or difficult. I have a new, full-time job with a company that I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost a year. It was super tough to get in and even tougher now that I am part of the organization. But, it is something I’ve been praying for so I am thankful for it. New house, new job, almost a new me.
Realization:
When I wrote how I wanted my 30’s to be a decade of real living, meaning living according to how I wanted, with what I wanted, considering all that was important to me and weeding out the unnecessary things, little did I know how straight-to-the point and accurate the Universe was going to hand me what I wanted. It took a lot of clenching of the stomach and gritting of the teeth to move out and move on and now it’s taking even more of both to rediscover who I am and raise kids at the same time. I know it’s not a unique situation. In fact, it’s so commonplace it hurts. But it is MY unique situation and so I am dealing with it as any person would something that has never happened or that was never in the plan. Admittedly, I have no clue how to proceed half the time. SO I am relying a lot on ‘winging it’, for now.
Restart:
Here’s my plan then. Transition phase into life as it is now should be a roller coaster ride, if my personality is anything to go by. But I am bound and determined to look at it with positive eyes, to see it as a second chance to do better, be better, live better, love better. I am going to do my bloody best to make sure my kids feel loved and special, regardless of the situation we’ve placed them in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that with the precious few hours in a day I have with them, but I will do it anyway. I am going to list down my non-negotiables and make sure that, this time, I really know what I want and that I don’t sacrifice these or settle for less. I am going to try my hardest to suck the marrow out of life, without fear, without regret. I am thinking shoot for the moon this time. Maybe I’ll get a to the moon and back.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged.
These events have, obviously, prompted me to close my old blog and open this new one.
New blog for new events, at least that’s how I want to look at it.
Recap:
Without going into all the sordid details, I am now living with my kids, just the three of us, in a new house, relatively far away from where we used to live. It’s been an adjustment for all parties involved but, thankfully, one that hasn’t been too taxing or difficult. I have a new, full-time job with a company that I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost a year. It was super tough to get in and even tougher now that I am part of the organization. But, it is something I’ve been praying for so I am thankful for it. New house, new job, almost a new me.
Realization:
When I wrote how I wanted my 30’s to be a decade of real living, meaning living according to how I wanted, with what I wanted, considering all that was important to me and weeding out the unnecessary things, little did I know how straight-to-the point and accurate the Universe was going to hand me what I wanted. It took a lot of clenching of the stomach and gritting of the teeth to move out and move on and now it’s taking even more of both to rediscover who I am and raise kids at the same time. I know it’s not a unique situation. In fact, it’s so commonplace it hurts. But it is MY unique situation and so I am dealing with it as any person would something that has never happened or that was never in the plan. Admittedly, I have no clue how to proceed half the time. SO I am relying a lot on ‘winging it’, for now.
Restart:
Here’s my plan then. Transition phase into life as it is now should be a roller coaster ride, if my personality is anything to go by. But I am bound and determined to look at it with positive eyes, to see it as a second chance to do better, be better, live better, love better. I am going to do my bloody best to make sure my kids feel loved and special, regardless of the situation we’ve placed them in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that with the precious few hours in a day I have with them, but I will do it anyway. I am going to list down my non-negotiables and make sure that, this time, I really know what I want and that I don’t sacrifice these or settle for less. I am going to try my hardest to suck the marrow out of life, without fear, without regret. I am thinking shoot for the moon this time. Maybe I’ll get a to the moon and back.
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