Friday, February 26, 2010

Goodbye Love Month

By the time I write my next post, the month of hearts will be officially over. This was a tough month for me this year. I am hoping next year will be better.

Bye February!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 3

ok, this is a more positive song. I am feeling better today. And I'm trying to keep things/ issues/ people in neat little compartments so that they don't get all mixed up and confusing again.

"Let Go"

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]

[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 2

ok, song vent for the day. Warning: there might be more than one song today, to make up for the weekend (?). I hate this month this year.

Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade?
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little somethin' to eat?
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet?
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills?

(Chorus)

I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't even notice me.
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes

We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took that job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is my shiny gun?
Where is my lonely ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 1

I've been wanting to post about how I've been feeling this month but I just can't seem to get in the mood. Which is rare, and bad, for me since I consider this my venting outlet and a way for me to get things into some kind of acceptable perspective. I thought then, instead of blogging at length about how I feel, I'll just borrow the words from lyrics of songs I can relate to.

Here's the one for today:

Nothing That You Are

Somebody told me, they saw you somewhere
Somebody hold me, cause suddenly I'm a little, cold
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?

Chorus:
I heard you say
We were one and the same
Well wrong again
I could never do those things you did to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into the nothing that you are
The nothing you are

Somebody sold me, yeah the same old story
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Hadn't you told me, you were there the whole time
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I hope you burn in hell, or do I?

(chorus)

I know your mistakes will hunt you down, eventually
You'll know that when you hit the ground
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out
It's ok, I have the truth on my side

I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you , did, to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are x4

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Love You Two.

The Heart Of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

...for my 2 loves.

BI-ATCH!

I have to vent about an office mate. I need to because I at my limit with patience.

Background:
We are 4 in the team, including my boss. We are all women and all relatively young. Hehehe. I am the only external hire though. We develop training plans and ensure it's execution by trainers come training time. We also develop the materials when necessary. To add to that, we are in charge of process flows for the "services" to be trained. That's the team's objective in a nutshell.

Now, I don't know how or when it started but one of my team mates seems to have a problem with me. In the beginning, she would invite me for a quick smoke or to eat out. She would chat with me before leaving at the end of the day. And even joke around during work hours.
Lately, her greeting are lukewarm at best, when they are given, she doesn't invite for anything anymore, and if we are the only two people in our row of cubicles, there is most often silence- as if we are not team mates at all.
I don't know why the attitude shifted. I've been thinking and thinking if there was anything I said to make her angry or uncomfortable and I keep coming up with nothing. We were not "friends" enough for such closeness and since our schedules are different, we would only have intersecting hours to interact so not too much contact. So it got me thinking that could she be angry at me because I spend a lot of time with our boss? I like my boss, see. I can see her become a friend outside the office, in fact. We have a lot in common- we like similar books, we like to over think things to death, we both sing and sang in choirs in school, she has a young child as well, and she has a lot of mannerisms that remind me of Livi (which is comforting). Plus, we have the same schedule. So we hang out together during break time. We eat lunch together. We go home almost always at the same time.
My team mate has issues about not being liked- and perhaps this is because she is really moody and very abrasive. She has very little people skills. The way she converses with managers is astounding and I mean that in a negative way. Thing is, she knows her people skills are lacking and yet she justifies it by saying she doesn't care what people think. At the same time, she seems to care about other people and whether these people deserve or don't deserve the attention or kudos they get from their managers. She loves to highlight the negatives of a person at the same time showcasing how much she knows about "how things should be". But she doesn't care if she is acting the ways she should in the workplace. She needs so much micro management it is amazing. Every taks assigned to her is questioned, aspects within the task passed on to other people, and when this doesn't work she pouts! As in her face falls and her voice rises when conversing! She reminds me of my 2 year old not getting her way. It is the bloodiest fucking annoying thing in the universe. And that is just how she is in general. Towards me, she is cold. Like i greet her cheerfully and she gives me a barely audible grunt. We're supposed to be attending the same meeting, we're the only ones at our stations, and yet she gets up and goes to the training room as if she is the only one in the meeting or as if I am not her team mate, there present, getting ready to go to the same meeting. And then sometimes you're talking, asking a question, and she will just butt in with her own question as if you aren't talking. I want to fucking throw a monitor at her and tell her to grow up and get some manners. According to my boss, she may be the kind who needs to be praised and given a frequent pat on the back. But to get those you have to deserve it!! So, I've decided from now on, I will treat her with the same indifference. And if it's a matter of pitting skill against skill- even if I am an external hire and my business knowledge is not as deep as hers, I can still beat her at this competition she seems to be creating. And why do I know this? Because I am confident that I know what I know and can do this well, and that I can learn what I don't know yet and do these well, also. Because I AM better than her in a lot of ways beyond just knowing about the company. When it comes to pitting Key Competencies, I dare say that I have more cghecks under more competencies that she has. Even if she's been here longer, she's been in an agent role for 3 years. I've actually managed a team. This sounds arrogant, I know, but in this case, I really honestly believe it's true and that I need to portray a certain amount of arrogance for her to understand that she isn't dealing with some stupid person from the nether regions of Manila. She isn't dumb. Far from it. But she relies heavily on emotions as the basis of her actions and decisions, making thes unwise and ultimately hindering her from career growth and improvement. Grrrrrrr!

Does my ranting make any sense?

I really just needed to vent. She is really annoying the crap out of me.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Anger and Issues

I can't believe how fast time flies. I told myself I would post an average of 3 posts per month- just to keep my mind organized and to have an outlet for venting. But almost half of February has passed and I haven't even posted once. Good thing I had a not-so-great weekend, so I have a lot to post about.

There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.

1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.

2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.

3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.

So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?