Monday, February 8, 2010

Anger and Issues

I can't believe how fast time flies. I told myself I would post an average of 3 posts per month- just to keep my mind organized and to have an outlet for venting. But almost half of February has passed and I haven't even posted once. Good thing I had a not-so-great weekend, so I have a lot to post about.

There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.

1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.

2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.

3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.

So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?

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