Tuesday, March 16, 2010

5th year- Supposedly.

So, today is my 5th year wedding anniversary. Oh happy day! I feel all the sweetness and light! Loved, cherished, a life shared with an understanding and caring partner. Can you feel the sarcasm?

My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.

I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.

Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?

Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.

Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.

Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:

MY WISH

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold


And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)

This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)


I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Courage

These lines, from a South African woman who was raped, with her throat cut deeply enough to see her spine, stabbed several times so much so that her intestines fell out of her stomach, and yet crawled to the main road, was found, and survived, struck me:

"I had always believed that nothing happened to anyone who didn't have the capacity to overcome it," she wrote in her book. "We are never given more than we can bear. It was up to me now to have faith in my own power and believe that this would not set me back or change my life."

I want to believe this. My life is not the result of the horrors she faced and yet she can look back on the incident, look and move forward. I want to believe this.