So, a quick post. Just want to get these thoughts down, although I think I'll post again before the year is over.
I've realized that a lot of my disappointments are rooted in my expectations, however right or wrong these expectations are. And these disappointments are about all aspects- family, money, work, relationships.
So, one thing I KNOW I have to work on in 2011 is re-working my expectations. Understanding that some of these are just not realistic mainly because I cannot dictate how the world turns.
Good to know.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Nearing the End of a Decade
As 2010 comes to a close, I take a look back at the year and try to assess how it went for me.
It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.
GOOD STUFF:
I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.
I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).
I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.
I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.
I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.
NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:
I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.
Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.
It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.
GOOD STUFF:
I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.
I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).
I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.
I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.
I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.
NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:
I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.
Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Depression Again
I love Christmas. This is one of four dates in a year I look forward to. Seriously. But the past few Christmases have been studies in different stages of depression, I've noticed. Last Christmas was about anxiety and relief rolled into one. I was on my own with the kids, I had a good job, I was able to survive, things looked to be getting off to a good start. but of course, there was the ever-present worry of whether or not I would perform well on this new job, how I would be able to manage and sustain two growing children in a single-income household, and dealing with the joyful season of love and giving without a partner.
This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.
I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.
This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.
I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Remembering Sucks Sometimes
I've been inundated with memories lately and I am not too pleased. I know, I know. I should revel in the fact that my mind seems to be able to retain the most mundane details, the most useless trivia, but there are just some things I want to forget. At least for now. Forgetting my first real "love" way back in high school was an almost painless and very effective way to get over that heartbreak. I literally do not remember some things about my relationship with him to this day. That made it so much easier to reconnect with him as a friend a couple of years later, and we remain very good friends today. But I can't delete my husband, even for a day, because we have kids and I have to constantly think of ways to deal with all my hurt and disappointment and disillusionment when it comes to him in order to have a working relationship for their sake. Bumping into pictures and connecting these to past events and memories only highlights what we were and we aren't now. So sad. But maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is the lesson, the trial, the obstacle God or the Universe wants me to overcome before I get all the good stuff; the "rainbow after the storm" (as Ruy put it during Sunday brunch).
Maybe all I have to do is to deal with the memories, rub salt in the wounds until they don't sting anymore, and then I'll be really OK.
Hmmm......
Maybe all I have to do is to deal with the memories, rub salt in the wounds until they don't sting anymore, and then I'll be really OK.
Hmmm......
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Post Birthday Wish List
I've been meaning to blog about some birthday wishes, realizations, what-have-you before my actual birthday but, obviously, I wasn't able to do so. Still, I feel like I have all these thoughts, feelings, and goals locked in my brain that I just have to write them down, at the very least, to satisfy my need for a semblance of organization.
That said, what will follow is a combined "list" of sorts. Bear with me.
31 Goals, Convictions, Desires for 2010
1-Goal: To be happy without depending on someone else to be the source of this happiness.
2-Goal: To lose 20 pounds over the year
3- Conviction: Before I turned 30, I wanted to do away with the unimportant things and to focus on the things that matter. Well, this year I want to be more specific. I am convinced that what matters to me in a partner is love, loyalty, responsibility, consistency. Everything else stems from these 4 traits. And so I want to focus on the person who will be all of that to and for me and my kids.
4-Desire: I want a car before Christmas 2011.
5-Desire: I want a new PC before mid- next year.
6-Desire: I want gym membership in the last quarter of this year onwards.
7- Goal: to realize my 5-year tuition plan, and to add my own personal savings plan to the mix.
8-Goal: to get promoted in a year
9-Conviction: Romance is not dead. It is only dead if you kill it.
10-Conviction: I cannot do casual sex or casual relationships. If, in my teens and twenty's I didn't care about tomorrow. in my thirty's I find that I do.
11-Conviction: My friends are my treasures.
12-Goal: to pay all smaller debts by Christmas next year.
13-Desire: a new wardrobe
14-Desire: a bigger place with lower rent
15-Conviction: I am not the person a lot of people thought I was in ITI (negative). I am soooo much better than that.
16-Goal: to rediscover God. Again.
17-Goal: to get a sideline I can manage so that I can earn more
18-Desire: to take a trip out of town every year
19-Conviction: In times of panic, sleep.
20-Conviction: I am stronger than I thought I was or could be.
21- Conviction: I think things to death. I do. And those time when I thought I would go crazy, I stayed sane through prayer. So prayer is stronger than anyone knows.
22-Goal: to make sure my kids have all they need and then some of what they want
23-Goal: to figure out a medical plan for the kids
24-Goal: to sort out all the late vaccinations
25-Desire: to get a new mp3/4 player
26-Conviction: Nothing is ever what it seems. Not a job, a friend, a boss, a parent, a lover, a child. Take time to figure it out correctly. Try not to judge.
27-Conviction: It's ok to choose who to go out with. This way, you are sure everyone, yourself included, will have a good time.
28-Conviction: I cannot stomach immaturity at this age. It's so unattractive.
29-Conviction: My friend's mom told her almost 10 years ago that she should marry someone who could take care of her as well as her parent did. I thought then that this was a tall order and kind of unfair, but I see the wisdom in it now.
30-Conviction: Children should be better than their parents. Parents should work to make sure this happens.
31-Conviction: I will be doing this again near my 32nd birthday.
That said, what will follow is a combined "list" of sorts. Bear with me.
31 Goals, Convictions, Desires for 2010
1-Goal: To be happy without depending on someone else to be the source of this happiness.
2-Goal: To lose 20 pounds over the year
3- Conviction: Before I turned 30, I wanted to do away with the unimportant things and to focus on the things that matter. Well, this year I want to be more specific. I am convinced that what matters to me in a partner is love, loyalty, responsibility, consistency. Everything else stems from these 4 traits. And so I want to focus on the person who will be all of that to and for me and my kids.
4-Desire: I want a car before Christmas 2011.
5-Desire: I want a new PC before mid- next year.
6-Desire: I want gym membership in the last quarter of this year onwards.
7- Goal: to realize my 5-year tuition plan, and to add my own personal savings plan to the mix.
8-Goal: to get promoted in a year
9-Conviction: Romance is not dead. It is only dead if you kill it.
10-Conviction: I cannot do casual sex or casual relationships. If, in my teens and twenty's I didn't care about tomorrow. in my thirty's I find that I do.
11-Conviction: My friends are my treasures.
12-Goal: to pay all smaller debts by Christmas next year.
13-Desire: a new wardrobe
14-Desire: a bigger place with lower rent
15-Conviction: I am not the person a lot of people thought I was in ITI (negative). I am soooo much better than that.
16-Goal: to rediscover God. Again.
17-Goal: to get a sideline I can manage so that I can earn more
18-Desire: to take a trip out of town every year
19-Conviction: In times of panic, sleep.
20-Conviction: I am stronger than I thought I was or could be.
21- Conviction: I think things to death. I do. And those time when I thought I would go crazy, I stayed sane through prayer. So prayer is stronger than anyone knows.
22-Goal: to make sure my kids have all they need and then some of what they want
23-Goal: to figure out a medical plan for the kids
24-Goal: to sort out all the late vaccinations
25-Desire: to get a new mp3/4 player
26-Conviction: Nothing is ever what it seems. Not a job, a friend, a boss, a parent, a lover, a child. Take time to figure it out correctly. Try not to judge.
27-Conviction: It's ok to choose who to go out with. This way, you are sure everyone, yourself included, will have a good time.
28-Conviction: I cannot stomach immaturity at this age. It's so unattractive.
29-Conviction: My friend's mom told her almost 10 years ago that she should marry someone who could take care of her as well as her parent did. I thought then that this was a tall order and kind of unfair, but I see the wisdom in it now.
30-Conviction: Children should be better than their parents. Parents should work to make sure this happens.
31-Conviction: I will be doing this again near my 32nd birthday.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Vicki and Meredith Grey
"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event --big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."- Grey's Anatomy
I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.
What are those things worth holding on to?
I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.
What are those things worth holding on to?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Old Birthday
I've thought about turning 30 for a good 5 years now. As the day fast approached, I found myself constantly torn over the excitement of starting a new decade, hopefully, wiser, and fear over getting old. Somehow, my childhood dreams and fantasies never extended past my 20's. So, I think it's understandable that as my 30th birthday fast approached, I was filled with this feeling of not know what to do, how to react, and what to expect. My friend, Kaye, told me that the 30's is so much better than the 20's. You know more, you've seen more, you have a better idea of who you are and what you want. Great! Except I wasn't sure that I knew more, had seen enough, or that I knew myself and what I wanted. I knew that the beginning of this year marked the beginning of a new journey of self-discovery. But I felt 5 months wasn't enough to have even a glimmer of a sure thought about myself. Suffice it to say, I was scared.3 days after turning the big 3-0 and...nothing feels different. There are some things I expect and can foresee. I expect that my metabolism will slow down even further (especially since I haven't gotten my exercise regimen back and since I almost always skip breakfast). I foresee that my years to complete my MA and PhD are numbered. I know that I have to get my career on track. I am certain I love my husband and kids above anything (OK, the same amount as God?). That's it. I have to say the expression "Houston, we're in trouble" popped into my head almost immediately after typing these last words. Ha!Well, at the risk of sounding like Oprah (I am definitely not her although I often wish I were), there are some more things I find I know for sure. I know for sure that I am excited to find out what this decade has in store for me. Excited to get back into shape, to go places at work and outside, to be young and beautiful inside and out, and to be the best wife and mom I can be. It doesn't sound like much but I actually think it's quite a lot. Relief, I tell you. I am not lost after all. I can smile now. Isn't that a great way to start the decade? Happy Birthday to me!!
Obviously, I've been looking at old posts. I thought it would be educational to do this so close to my 31st birthday. This is what I posted last year. Interesting. I will post something about my thoughts and feelings about this coming birthday soon.
Obviously, I've been looking at old posts. I thought it would be educational to do this so close to my 31st birthday. This is what I posted last year. Interesting. I will post something about my thoughts and feelings about this coming birthday soon.
Blast from the Past
Paolo Coelho said in his Plurk, "True love allows each person to follow his or her own path, aware that doing so can never drive them apart." I am 'wow-ed' again. I mean, really. Wow. Imagine the confidence in yourself and each other to be able to go, full steam ahead, and pursue your dreams. And to know that you will never be apart from your significant other, no matter how much or less time you are able to spend together, that you will be together in heart and spirit regardless. Wow, indeed. The romantic in me coming out again. - Jan 9 2009
I was looking through my old blog posts and I found this one. It stood out, and after you read it, you'll know why. It's amazing what my thoughts were 1.5 years ago. How far from my reality now.
I was looking through my old blog posts and I found this one. It stood out, and after you read it, you'll know why. It's amazing what my thoughts were 1.5 years ago. How far from my reality now.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
5th year- Supposedly.
So, today is my 5th year wedding anniversary. Oh happy day! I feel all the sweetness and light! Loved, cherished, a life shared with an understanding and caring partner. Can you feel the sarcasm?
My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.
I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.
Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?
Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.
Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.
Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:
MY WISH
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...
My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.
I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.
Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?
Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.
Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.
Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:
MY WISH
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Anger and Issues
I can't believe how fast time flies. I told myself I would post an average of 3 posts per month- just to keep my mind organized and to have an outlet for venting. But almost half of February has passed and I haven't even posted once. Good thing I had a not-so-great weekend, so I have a lot to post about.
There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.
1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.
2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.
3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.
So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?
There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.
1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.
2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.
3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.
So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Tango Maligned
I was listening to my current favorite radio station on my mp3 player on my way to work today,a s I do every work day, and one of the comments made by a listener was: "Walang maloloko kung walang magpapaloko." This sort of made the blood rush to my head and stuck, obviously, since I am still thinking about it now 4 hours later.
There are some cases where I would have to agree with this statement. I have an office mate who is with someone who consistently cheats on her. She knows this. She's caught her partner a couple of times. Other people have told her about it. This was the setting of how they got together. And yet, they are still together. My office mate's reason is, she needs an admission of the cheating to be able to let go. In this case, it really is two tango-ing. Heck, I can totally empathize with her. But I know of other couples where one is a fantastic partner. Loving, giving, etc and lauded as such by the partner at that. And yet, the partner still cheats. The reason given: that's how men are. Where is the "it takes two to tango" here?
I just thought the generalization in the comment was unfair. There really are just some shitty people who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves and their pleasure. There is no tango for these people because their lives are solo performances with the partner being just the unfortunate audience. I just needed to get that out.
There are some cases where I would have to agree with this statement. I have an office mate who is with someone who consistently cheats on her. She knows this. She's caught her partner a couple of times. Other people have told her about it. This was the setting of how they got together. And yet, they are still together. My office mate's reason is, she needs an admission of the cheating to be able to let go. In this case, it really is two tango-ing. Heck, I can totally empathize with her. But I know of other couples where one is a fantastic partner. Loving, giving, etc and lauded as such by the partner at that. And yet, the partner still cheats. The reason given: that's how men are. Where is the "it takes two to tango" here?
I just thought the generalization in the comment was unfair. There really are just some shitty people who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves and their pleasure. There is no tango for these people because their lives are solo performances with the partner being just the unfortunate audience. I just needed to get that out.
Uno
I've been meaning to post a "beginning of the new decade" post but I just haven't gotten around to it before now. And this post is definitely pathetic if one were to rate it in terms of style and content. This is because I've actually been really busy this first half of the first month of 2010. I am taking this as a good sign. I remember that I like being busy. It makes me feel productive and useful. I don't like being over-worked, mind you. And so far, the amount of work I am doing in the office is just right. Great way to start the week. So, excuse me for the short and unoriginal post.
I would like to say that I am sticking to what I said at the end of last year. I still want those things on my lists. I want the promotion and more money, I want to be able to provide for my kids well, I want to focus on "me" love, and I want my true love. Hahaha! If there's one thing I am absolutely sure of it's that I am beginning this year with a recovered appreciation of everything romantic. I feel like I took a dip in the well of Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Baby Boom, Secret of my Success, and all the 80's feel-good movies I grew up with.
So, that's that for this post. I have a lot of things I want to post about- almost a collection of questions bouncing around in my head that Ive been meaning to "talk" about so anticipate more post today until the end of the week!
I would like to say that I am sticking to what I said at the end of last year. I still want those things on my lists. I want the promotion and more money, I want to be able to provide for my kids well, I want to focus on "me" love, and I want my true love. Hahaha! If there's one thing I am absolutely sure of it's that I am beginning this year with a recovered appreciation of everything romantic. I feel like I took a dip in the well of Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Baby Boom, Secret of my Success, and all the 80's feel-good movies I grew up with.
So, that's that for this post. I have a lot of things I want to post about- almost a collection of questions bouncing around in my head that Ive been meaning to "talk" about so anticipate more post today until the end of the week!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Cry
Months ago, I was looking for a song to fit my life situation. I do this often. Look for songs to fit whatever is happening to me at the moment. I assume it's a normal thing and I haven't really bothered to ask anyone if they do this as well. Anyway, I just heard the perfect song on the radio, on my way to work, today. I know it's late and it may not fit things exactly anymore but I thought I would post it anyway.
CRY - Kelly Clarkson
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah what do I care If they believe me or not
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Cry
It's amazing how some songs can so perfectly talk about what and how you are feeling about things. Reading through these lyrics I am struck with a certain sense of sadness at how I felt and a certain amount of fear. I am trying not to think about how easily this can happen to me again. If I open myself up to new things I am also opening myself up to possible pain again. Am I really ready for that? I don't want to live life afraid. But maybe the fear barriers is a smarter way to go. Heaven knows plunging head first into things has just given me migraines. Ah, confusion again.
CRY - Kelly Clarkson
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah what do I care If they believe me or not
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Cry
It's amazing how some songs can so perfectly talk about what and how you are feeling about things. Reading through these lyrics I am struck with a certain sense of sadness at how I felt and a certain amount of fear. I am trying not to think about how easily this can happen to me again. If I open myself up to new things I am also opening myself up to possible pain again. Am I really ready for that? I don't want to live life afraid. But maybe the fear barriers is a smarter way to go. Heaven knows plunging head first into things has just given me migraines. Ah, confusion again.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The 'Art' of Letting Go
I always knew I didn't like sports. The idea of chasing, hitting, or doing anything sporty with a ball was just too much for me. I, to this day, shudder at the thought of engaging in a real sport. Needless to say, my hobbies when I was younger were all 'artsy'. I studied drawing, painting, and music. I read a lot and wrote a lot of girly poems and short stories. I still love all these things today.
But I never did learn or understand the 'art' of letting go.
I am just someone who is not very good with not getting her way. Ok, sounds bratty, I know, but it's true. Up until perhaps the last 4 years of my life, I got almost everything I set my mind on. So you can imagine how the advice to let go, leave things, experience more than do necessarily, is driving me nuts. But I'm trying it out and I've found some interesting ways to relax.
One way is to focus on things that make me happy that don't require too much action'reaction from outside parties. I'm now thinking of creating a spa schedule, really thinking of a way to lose more weight, and a fixed set of activities with the kids. On a more 'concrete' note, I am trying to work out how to buy my own car and improve my computer situation at home. I am finding that, at least half the time now, my mind is focused on all those things and I feel less anxious about things I have no control over. I think this might actually work. I am feeling positive. What are other ways to de-focus? Suggestions?
But I never did learn or understand the 'art' of letting go.
I am just someone who is not very good with not getting her way. Ok, sounds bratty, I know, but it's true. Up until perhaps the last 4 years of my life, I got almost everything I set my mind on. So you can imagine how the advice to let go, leave things, experience more than do necessarily, is driving me nuts. But I'm trying it out and I've found some interesting ways to relax.
One way is to focus on things that make me happy that don't require too much action'reaction from outside parties. I'm now thinking of creating a spa schedule, really thinking of a way to lose more weight, and a fixed set of activities with the kids. On a more 'concrete' note, I am trying to work out how to buy my own car and improve my computer situation at home. I am finding that, at least half the time now, my mind is focused on all those things and I feel less anxious about things I have no control over. I think this might actually work. I am feeling positive. What are other ways to de-focus? Suggestions?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Question about FATE
I was watching Sex and the City a couple of nights ago after work and Carrie's question for that episode was "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?" I thought this was a very interesting question, in the real sense of the word interesting.
CAN you make a mistake and miss your fate?
Doesn't fate, by definition, mean something meant to be come what may? So if this is so, then no matter what you do or don't do, you will get it. Because it was preordained as something meant to be yours or for you. If so, where does choice fit in?
What if there is no such thing as fate? What if all that you have or are meant to have is because you made it happen. Because you chose the roads to travel. Where then does fate fit in?
I am at that point where I am wondering what I have control over in my life. My friend said sometimes no matter how hard you try, if it isn't meant for you, it won't happen. She also said, on the subject of relationships at least, some people don't end up with anyone because perhaps this was not the plan for them (in this lifetime). Wow. Can Fate be that cruel? To have your life planned as a solitary one? Or maybe it just seems cruel to me because I've always wanted to share my life with a partner.
Confusion.
CAN you make a mistake and miss your fate?
Doesn't fate, by definition, mean something meant to be come what may? So if this is so, then no matter what you do or don't do, you will get it. Because it was preordained as something meant to be yours or for you. If so, where does choice fit in?
What if there is no such thing as fate? What if all that you have or are meant to have is because you made it happen. Because you chose the roads to travel. Where then does fate fit in?
I am at that point where I am wondering what I have control over in my life. My friend said sometimes no matter how hard you try, if it isn't meant for you, it won't happen. She also said, on the subject of relationships at least, some people don't end up with anyone because perhaps this was not the plan for them (in this lifetime). Wow. Can Fate be that cruel? To have your life planned as a solitary one? Or maybe it just seems cruel to me because I've always wanted to share my life with a partner.
Confusion.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Reflections
Since the ‘big change’, I’ve been constantly bombarded with comments about how I should reflect, do a lot of soul-searching, and find out if emptiness I may feel is a result of real longing for a partner or an incomplete self. And I listened to all the advice (even if it seemed at times that my mind was elsewhere). I’ve looked inside; in fact, I’ve been looking inside for a while now, and here are some of my reflections.
I think I’ve felt alone for a while now. That song or poem (I don’t quite remember which) with the line “1 is the loneliest number” obviously knew so little. 2 can be lonely too, contrary as it may sound. And so my constant fear of being alone has, in fact, been a reality for a while now, without me realizing it. At least, alone inside. Since I am obviously alive and kicking, even if, in the words of Meredith Grey, a little damaged, but still strong, and still able to see the silver lining and hope for rainbows, then I think I can actually manage being alone inside. As for the loneliness of being physically alone, well, that’s something I have to work on. I have my kids with me almost all the time so I am definitely not alone. I have my family and friends who I can see any time so I am definitely not alone. I just need to work on not having anyone to talk to at night, when I get home after a tiring day, with the desire to do nothing but talk about my day, or vent, or dream. But I can wait for this and in the meantime build that archive of stories to tell.
My kids are a part of me that I cannot imagine being without. It’s very difficult to even remember what it was like before them. I never want to be without them at the same time I do not want to be defined only by them. They are an ever-evolving product of my love, and a source of constant pride, but I am more than their mother. I am not just their mother. And I think, when they are older, they will appreciate this from me.
It may look like I am not ‘grieving’ my marriage, but the truth is, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears over it over the last months and during some months in between the years. It came to the point where my tear ducts refused to work anymore. And, while I will always love the father of my children in some way, shape, or form, I can tell now that my heart longs for more that he can give. At least, more than he can give me the way we both are now. People ask me if there is no hope to fix what was broken (pardon the pun), and I always say there should always be hope because we are married but there should also be a realistic recognition of the way things are as they stand today. And right now, both he and I appear to be better together now that we are apart. And sad as it is, the sadness need not necessarily extend inward. There is more relief than sadness in the knowledge that perhaps we can still be friends after all of this, an important thing since we have children. All these comments may make people believe that I am capable of turning my feelings on and off with the snap of a finger. On the contrary, it took a decade of togetherness to reach where we are now and the realizations I know today. So, a snap of a finger is far from the truth. But I am ready to move on to better things, whatever these might be and I am opening myself up to an infinite wealth of possibility. I truly believe that the Universe will give me what is meant for me- whether it be my husband but different and better, or someone else. And as Livi said once, the Universe will also give me exactly what I need right now.
I think I’ve felt alone for a while now. That song or poem (I don’t quite remember which) with the line “1 is the loneliest number” obviously knew so little. 2 can be lonely too, contrary as it may sound. And so my constant fear of being alone has, in fact, been a reality for a while now, without me realizing it. At least, alone inside. Since I am obviously alive and kicking, even if, in the words of Meredith Grey, a little damaged, but still strong, and still able to see the silver lining and hope for rainbows, then I think I can actually manage being alone inside. As for the loneliness of being physically alone, well, that’s something I have to work on. I have my kids with me almost all the time so I am definitely not alone. I have my family and friends who I can see any time so I am definitely not alone. I just need to work on not having anyone to talk to at night, when I get home after a tiring day, with the desire to do nothing but talk about my day, or vent, or dream. But I can wait for this and in the meantime build that archive of stories to tell.
My kids are a part of me that I cannot imagine being without. It’s very difficult to even remember what it was like before them. I never want to be without them at the same time I do not want to be defined only by them. They are an ever-evolving product of my love, and a source of constant pride, but I am more than their mother. I am not just their mother. And I think, when they are older, they will appreciate this from me.
It may look like I am not ‘grieving’ my marriage, but the truth is, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears over it over the last months and during some months in between the years. It came to the point where my tear ducts refused to work anymore. And, while I will always love the father of my children in some way, shape, or form, I can tell now that my heart longs for more that he can give. At least, more than he can give me the way we both are now. People ask me if there is no hope to fix what was broken (pardon the pun), and I always say there should always be hope because we are married but there should also be a realistic recognition of the way things are as they stand today. And right now, both he and I appear to be better together now that we are apart. And sad as it is, the sadness need not necessarily extend inward. There is more relief than sadness in the knowledge that perhaps we can still be friends after all of this, an important thing since we have children. All these comments may make people believe that I am capable of turning my feelings on and off with the snap of a finger. On the contrary, it took a decade of togetherness to reach where we are now and the realizations I know today. So, a snap of a finger is far from the truth. But I am ready to move on to better things, whatever these might be and I am opening myself up to an infinite wealth of possibility. I truly believe that the Universe will give me what is meant for me- whether it be my husband but different and better, or someone else. And as Livi said once, the Universe will also give me exactly what I need right now.
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