Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Depression Again

I love Christmas. This is one of four dates in a year I look forward to. Seriously. But the past few Christmases have been studies in different stages of depression, I've noticed. Last Christmas was about anxiety and relief rolled into one. I was on my own with the kids, I had a good job, I was able to survive, things looked to be getting off to a good start. but of course, there was the ever-present worry of whether or not I would perform well on this new job, how I would be able to manage and sustain two growing children in a single-income household, and dealing with the joyful season of love and giving without a partner.

This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.

I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

In a Funk

Isn't it amazing how one moment can throw you into a days worth of funk?

I had a not-so-pleasant chat with my father-in-law at my mother-in-law's birthday party over the weekend and what he said to me in 10 minutes (without going into the gorry detail) just really insulted and upset me greatly. So much so that I've been on auto-pilot for three days since. It's true that negativity is so powerful in killing anything good so one should just do away with the negative people in their lives.

Well, I am trying really hard to get back on the saddle and continue my ride. That moment knowcked the wind out of me and I guess the other lesson there as well is to learn how to deal with the punches. I need a lesson from Manny Pacquiao. to get out of the funk?!?!?