Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Vicki and Meredith Grey

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event --big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."- Grey's Anatomy

I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.

What are those things worth holding on to?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Suncreen Again

I seem to post this speech once every year. I thought it would be interesting to see which parts resonate to me this year. Here goes...

Sunscreen Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99...

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. - I think this line will forever strike me.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. - haha! Some truth here.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.


Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. - easier said than done.


Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. - YES!


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. - I'm divided on deciding if these words are comforting.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. - YES!

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. - sighing wearily but determinedly

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. - sighing wearily but determinedly

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. - YES!

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. - I agree, but this is hard to let go of. Expectation is a killer.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Old Birthday

I've thought about turning 30 for a good 5 years now. As the day fast approached, I found myself constantly torn over the excitement of starting a new decade, hopefully, wiser, and fear over getting old. Somehow, my childhood dreams and fantasies never extended past my 20's. So, I think it's understandable that as my 30th birthday fast approached, I was filled with this feeling of not know what to do, how to react, and what to expect. My friend, Kaye, told me that the 30's is so much better than the 20's. You know more, you've seen more, you have a better idea of who you are and what you want. Great! Except I wasn't sure that I knew more, had seen enough, or that I knew myself and what I wanted. I knew that the beginning of this year marked the beginning of a new journey of self-discovery. But I felt 5 months wasn't enough to have even a glimmer of a sure thought about myself. Suffice it to say, I was scared.3 days after turning the big 3-0 and...nothing feels different. There are some things I expect and can foresee. I expect that my metabolism will slow down even further (especially since I haven't gotten my exercise regimen back and since I almost always skip breakfast). I foresee that my years to complete my MA and PhD are numbered. I know that I have to get my career on track. I am certain I love my husband and kids above anything (OK, the same amount as God?). That's it. I have to say the expression "Houston, we're in trouble" popped into my head almost immediately after typing these last words. Ha!Well, at the risk of sounding like Oprah (I am definitely not her although I often wish I were), there are some more things I find I know for sure. I know for sure that I am excited to find out what this decade has in store for me. Excited to get back into shape, to go places at work and outside, to be young and beautiful inside and out, and to be the best wife and mom I can be. It doesn't sound like much but I actually think it's quite a lot. Relief, I tell you. I am not lost after all. I can smile now. Isn't that a great way to start the decade? Happy Birthday to me!!

Obviously, I've been looking at old posts. I thought it would be educational to do this so close to my 31st birthday. This is what I posted last year. Interesting. I will post something about my thoughts and feelings about this coming birthday soon.


Just before a dream is fulfilled, the Soul of the World decides to test everything that was learned on the journey." Paolo Coelho

Livi texted this to me more than a year ago. It seems I am still being tested. I am still at a crossroad- or maybe I've encountered more than one already and the succession just appears to make these one choice. And I have a depressing, uncomfortable feeling that I am flunking these tests big time. Why can't I learn? WHY?!?

Blast from the Past

Paolo Coelho said in his Plurk, "True love allows each person to follow his or her own path, aware that doing so can never drive them apart." I am 'wow-ed' again. I mean, really. Wow. Imagine the confidence in yourself and each other to be able to go, full steam ahead, and pursue your dreams. And to know that you will never be apart from your significant other, no matter how much or less time you are able to spend together, that you will be together in heart and spirit regardless. Wow, indeed. The romantic in me coming out again. - Jan 9 2009

I was looking through my old blog posts and I found this one. It stood out, and after you read it, you'll know why. It's amazing what my thoughts were 1.5 years ago. How far from my reality now.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tears are for the Weak

I never really thought it was shameful to cry. I'd often advise friends going through tough times to let it all out as this would make them feel better. I don't know then why I can't for the life of me, just cry. I've been told several times, by different people, that I have to cry to start the "healing process". At least, it will start me on that path to being OK and happy again. I know this. And like so many things I know logically, I can't seem to make my emotions follow.I feel sad, don't get me wrong. A lot of times I am so sad I just don't want to get out of bed. And I have cried. But I don't think I've had a major cry. The soul-wrenching, tear duct- cleansing cry that I need. Why, oh why?!?

Livi said she read in a book that controlling the way you think, your thoughts, is the most important thing. Everything else pales in importance to that. Is this another proof point that I cannot control my thoughts? Am i doomed?