I was watching Sex and the City a couple of nights ago after work and Carrie's question for that episode was "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?" I thought this was a very interesting question, in the real sense of the word interesting.
CAN you make a mistake and miss your fate?
Doesn't fate, by definition, mean something meant to be come what may? So if this is so, then no matter what you do or don't do, you will get it. Because it was preordained as something meant to be yours or for you. If so, where does choice fit in?
What if there is no such thing as fate? What if all that you have or are meant to have is because you made it happen. Because you chose the roads to travel. Where then does fate fit in?
I am at that point where I am wondering what I have control over in my life. My friend said sometimes no matter how hard you try, if it isn't meant for you, it won't happen. She also said, on the subject of relationships at least, some people don't end up with anyone because perhaps this was not the plan for them (in this lifetime). Wow. Can Fate be that cruel? To have your life planned as a solitary one? Or maybe it just seems cruel to me because I've always wanted to share my life with a partner.
Confusion.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Envy
I've been a Facebook addict almost from the moment I created my account. It's the most fantastic source of stress relief. It can kill boredom easily and make the minutes of a tedious work day fly by. Plus, I've been able to talk to some of my friends from the UK, whom I haven't seen in 10 years, and some of my friends from grade school, whom I haven't seen for a longer time, because of Facebook. I truly love it.
I've been staring at the page of one of my oldest friends though and I am hit by this pang of envy. She was my best friend until 5th grade and then we lost touch. Back then, she was considered the wild one. I really don't know much about her life after 5th grade but I always thought she would end up more messed up than me. I know, sounds mean, but back then I was the serious, more stable one. Now, however, she is doing really well. She lives in the States, she's married to a hot and really sweet man, she has a daughter and is now expecting a son. She looks fantastic (as in sexy and really pretty, even pregnant), he husband adores her, and she works full time but is happy with what she's doing. I am so pleasantly surprised, really happy for her, and downright, unabashedly envious.
I think this is one of those "self-pity" moments my friend was telling me I would experience.
I've been staring at the page of one of my oldest friends though and I am hit by this pang of envy. She was my best friend until 5th grade and then we lost touch. Back then, she was considered the wild one. I really don't know much about her life after 5th grade but I always thought she would end up more messed up than me. I know, sounds mean, but back then I was the serious, more stable one. Now, however, she is doing really well. She lives in the States, she's married to a hot and really sweet man, she has a daughter and is now expecting a son. She looks fantastic (as in sexy and really pretty, even pregnant), he husband adores her, and she works full time but is happy with what she's doing. I am so pleasantly surprised, really happy for her, and downright, unabashedly envious.
I think this is one of those "self-pity" moments my friend was telling me I would experience.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Must.Stop.
How do you stop wanting something so much?
They say if you want something too much, the more you won't get it.
They say if you squeeze too tight, it will slip away.
They say let go, let it happen, let it fall into place.
This is so hard.
How do I do this?
They say if you want something too much, the more you won't get it.
They say if you squeeze too tight, it will slip away.
They say let go, let it happen, let it fall into place.
This is so hard.
How do I do this?
Trying not to Feel
I've been stuck in a rut lately. Affie says it's my mind trying to work out everything that's happened over the past few months. I suppose she could be right. All I know for sure is I bounce between feeling really depressed and feeling as if everything is happening to someone else. Throughout both extremes, I am constantly trying to get an organized thought out. And trying to keep out thoughts and emotions that are just too confusing to process at the moment. Suffice it to say, Vicki is not a happy camper right now.
On the way to work, I was listening to my player as I always do, and one of my new songs from Frou Frou stuck. Particular lines to be exact. These are below:
So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave
ofCue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself
I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you
Without going into a long explanation, or any to be exact, this sums up a portion of what I am feeling. Dammit! I need to get a grip!
On the way to work, I was listening to my player as I always do, and one of my new songs from Frou Frou stuck. Particular lines to be exact. These are below:
So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave
ofCue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself
I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you
Without going into a long explanation, or any to be exact, this sums up a portion of what I am feeling. Dammit! I need to get a grip!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Reflections
Since the ‘big change’, I’ve been constantly bombarded with comments about how I should reflect, do a lot of soul-searching, and find out if emptiness I may feel is a result of real longing for a partner or an incomplete self. And I listened to all the advice (even if it seemed at times that my mind was elsewhere). I’ve looked inside; in fact, I’ve been looking inside for a while now, and here are some of my reflections.
I think I’ve felt alone for a while now. That song or poem (I don’t quite remember which) with the line “1 is the loneliest number” obviously knew so little. 2 can be lonely too, contrary as it may sound. And so my constant fear of being alone has, in fact, been a reality for a while now, without me realizing it. At least, alone inside. Since I am obviously alive and kicking, even if, in the words of Meredith Grey, a little damaged, but still strong, and still able to see the silver lining and hope for rainbows, then I think I can actually manage being alone inside. As for the loneliness of being physically alone, well, that’s something I have to work on. I have my kids with me almost all the time so I am definitely not alone. I have my family and friends who I can see any time so I am definitely not alone. I just need to work on not having anyone to talk to at night, when I get home after a tiring day, with the desire to do nothing but talk about my day, or vent, or dream. But I can wait for this and in the meantime build that archive of stories to tell.
My kids are a part of me that I cannot imagine being without. It’s very difficult to even remember what it was like before them. I never want to be without them at the same time I do not want to be defined only by them. They are an ever-evolving product of my love, and a source of constant pride, but I am more than their mother. I am not just their mother. And I think, when they are older, they will appreciate this from me.
It may look like I am not ‘grieving’ my marriage, but the truth is, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears over it over the last months and during some months in between the years. It came to the point where my tear ducts refused to work anymore. And, while I will always love the father of my children in some way, shape, or form, I can tell now that my heart longs for more that he can give. At least, more than he can give me the way we both are now. People ask me if there is no hope to fix what was broken (pardon the pun), and I always say there should always be hope because we are married but there should also be a realistic recognition of the way things are as they stand today. And right now, both he and I appear to be better together now that we are apart. And sad as it is, the sadness need not necessarily extend inward. There is more relief than sadness in the knowledge that perhaps we can still be friends after all of this, an important thing since we have children. All these comments may make people believe that I am capable of turning my feelings on and off with the snap of a finger. On the contrary, it took a decade of togetherness to reach where we are now and the realizations I know today. So, a snap of a finger is far from the truth. But I am ready to move on to better things, whatever these might be and I am opening myself up to an infinite wealth of possibility. I truly believe that the Universe will give me what is meant for me- whether it be my husband but different and better, or someone else. And as Livi said once, the Universe will also give me exactly what I need right now.
I think I’ve felt alone for a while now. That song or poem (I don’t quite remember which) with the line “1 is the loneliest number” obviously knew so little. 2 can be lonely too, contrary as it may sound. And so my constant fear of being alone has, in fact, been a reality for a while now, without me realizing it. At least, alone inside. Since I am obviously alive and kicking, even if, in the words of Meredith Grey, a little damaged, but still strong, and still able to see the silver lining and hope for rainbows, then I think I can actually manage being alone inside. As for the loneliness of being physically alone, well, that’s something I have to work on. I have my kids with me almost all the time so I am definitely not alone. I have my family and friends who I can see any time so I am definitely not alone. I just need to work on not having anyone to talk to at night, when I get home after a tiring day, with the desire to do nothing but talk about my day, or vent, or dream. But I can wait for this and in the meantime build that archive of stories to tell.
My kids are a part of me that I cannot imagine being without. It’s very difficult to even remember what it was like before them. I never want to be without them at the same time I do not want to be defined only by them. They are an ever-evolving product of my love, and a source of constant pride, but I am more than their mother. I am not just their mother. And I think, when they are older, they will appreciate this from me.
It may look like I am not ‘grieving’ my marriage, but the truth is, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears over it over the last months and during some months in between the years. It came to the point where my tear ducts refused to work anymore. And, while I will always love the father of my children in some way, shape, or form, I can tell now that my heart longs for more that he can give. At least, more than he can give me the way we both are now. People ask me if there is no hope to fix what was broken (pardon the pun), and I always say there should always be hope because we are married but there should also be a realistic recognition of the way things are as they stand today. And right now, both he and I appear to be better together now that we are apart. And sad as it is, the sadness need not necessarily extend inward. There is more relief than sadness in the knowledge that perhaps we can still be friends after all of this, an important thing since we have children. All these comments may make people believe that I am capable of turning my feelings on and off with the snap of a finger. On the contrary, it took a decade of togetherness to reach where we are now and the realizations I know today. So, a snap of a finger is far from the truth. But I am ready to move on to better things, whatever these might be and I am opening myself up to an infinite wealth of possibility. I truly believe that the Universe will give me what is meant for me- whether it be my husband but different and better, or someone else. And as Livi said once, the Universe will also give me exactly what I need right now.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Non-Negotiables
I am quite sure my list of non-negotiables will be laughable but I don’t care. Too general or too specific as some may be, I am at a point where I am stuck on what I want. And I feel like writing it down (or blogging about it, as the case is) is a way to seal the deal, etch it in stone or cyberspace, cemented enough that the Universe cannot not pay attention.
So, here’s the list:
LOVE- Twilight-like, head-spinning Love (OK, even in parts is fine. This doesn’t have to be the case all the time)
LOVE MY KIDS- Pretty self-explanatory. You take me, you take them. Period.
RESPECT- yes, just what Aretha sang. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
FRIENDSHIP- this would include knowing and accepting me, and at least sharing some of my interests. And, apparently, they are geeky. I love to read, and watch movies. I love music. I can’t go anywhere without music. I love to see people but people I like and know. I am not too good meeting new people and not great at all socializing with people I don’t like, but I am working on it (so a little respect for this work-in-progress, please). I like going out but I prefer to go to places I know and that have good food, drinks, and music. Sometimes I feel like going to fancy places but I’ve found, through the years, that this is not as important to me as it used to be. Sometimes, I just want to stay home and watch TV shows with really good scripts. I don’t normally watch comedies. I don’t find them funny. I prefer sarcasm, now that’s hilarious to me. I’ve said this before and I will say it again; there is a lot to be said about being quiet in a car with someone and not feeling the need to fill the silence with meaningless words. I am a resurrected hopeless romantic. I find myself now searching for my rainbow connection, my own Landon Cater and Lloyd Dobler; hoping for the signs that will be my ‘Serendipity’ moment. And, in the spirit of Sleepless in Seattle, I want that magic touch, when you hold hands and you just know. I don’t know how anyone is going to live up to the last section (the hopeless romantic part) but I am convinced it will be that way.
RESPONSIBILITY- I want that person to be accountable for the life he leads and wants to lead. And I want that accountability to be geared towards bettering oneself. I would like to be successful in my career, and I would like him to be successful too. Choice of career is entirely up to him but giving it his all and then seeing all the rewards of hard work, is important. I would like him to welcome the things that separate men from boys. I would like him to be ready and unafraid to think and live for more than himself.
COURTSHIP and ROMANCE- I want to feel special. And, in my mind, me feeling special can be a result of the most inane things. Fetching me from work, meeting and socializing with my friends, going with me to have coffee or watch a movie, silly things like that. Flowers, text messages that say nothing and everything at the same time, call me cheesy. I don’t care.
LOYALTY and DEPENDABILITY- I don’t consider myself the beauty queen my cousin is, but I would like to be the only woman he sees. He can look at other women, but I want to be the only one he sees. The only one he wants. Trust is the key to every relationship. I want to be able to argue without fear of nuclear fallout in the form of irrational retribution. I would like to sleep peacefully at night knowing that the person I am with, whether physically with me or not, is really just with me. I don’t know if I’ve explained this well at all but I hope I have.
DESIRE- this is pretty self-explanatory, too.
Now, I know this is all about me, and my friends would say ‘well, that sounds just like me’, but I do recognize the need for give and take. And I am willing to do that, providing the giving and taking is fairly equitable.
So, this is my attempt at sending out the message of what I want for myself to the Universe. Waiting now. C’mon Universe. Hear me.
So, here’s the list:
LOVE- Twilight-like, head-spinning Love (OK, even in parts is fine. This doesn’t have to be the case all the time)
LOVE MY KIDS- Pretty self-explanatory. You take me, you take them. Period.
RESPECT- yes, just what Aretha sang. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
FRIENDSHIP- this would include knowing and accepting me, and at least sharing some of my interests. And, apparently, they are geeky. I love to read, and watch movies. I love music. I can’t go anywhere without music. I love to see people but people I like and know. I am not too good meeting new people and not great at all socializing with people I don’t like, but I am working on it (so a little respect for this work-in-progress, please). I like going out but I prefer to go to places I know and that have good food, drinks, and music. Sometimes I feel like going to fancy places but I’ve found, through the years, that this is not as important to me as it used to be. Sometimes, I just want to stay home and watch TV shows with really good scripts. I don’t normally watch comedies. I don’t find them funny. I prefer sarcasm, now that’s hilarious to me. I’ve said this before and I will say it again; there is a lot to be said about being quiet in a car with someone and not feeling the need to fill the silence with meaningless words. I am a resurrected hopeless romantic. I find myself now searching for my rainbow connection, my own Landon Cater and Lloyd Dobler; hoping for the signs that will be my ‘Serendipity’ moment. And, in the spirit of Sleepless in Seattle, I want that magic touch, when you hold hands and you just know. I don’t know how anyone is going to live up to the last section (the hopeless romantic part) but I am convinced it will be that way.
RESPONSIBILITY- I want that person to be accountable for the life he leads and wants to lead. And I want that accountability to be geared towards bettering oneself. I would like to be successful in my career, and I would like him to be successful too. Choice of career is entirely up to him but giving it his all and then seeing all the rewards of hard work, is important. I would like him to welcome the things that separate men from boys. I would like him to be ready and unafraid to think and live for more than himself.
COURTSHIP and ROMANCE- I want to feel special. And, in my mind, me feeling special can be a result of the most inane things. Fetching me from work, meeting and socializing with my friends, going with me to have coffee or watch a movie, silly things like that. Flowers, text messages that say nothing and everything at the same time, call me cheesy. I don’t care.
LOYALTY and DEPENDABILITY- I don’t consider myself the beauty queen my cousin is, but I would like to be the only woman he sees. He can look at other women, but I want to be the only one he sees. The only one he wants. Trust is the key to every relationship. I want to be able to argue without fear of nuclear fallout in the form of irrational retribution. I would like to sleep peacefully at night knowing that the person I am with, whether physically with me or not, is really just with me. I don’t know if I’ve explained this well at all but I hope I have.
DESIRE- this is pretty self-explanatory, too.
Now, I know this is all about me, and my friends would say ‘well, that sounds just like me’, but I do recognize the need for give and take. And I am willing to do that, providing the giving and taking is fairly equitable.
So, this is my attempt at sending out the message of what I want for myself to the Universe. Waiting now. C’mon Universe. Hear me.
Monday, November 16, 2009
REBOOT
Ok, so here it is.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged.
These events have, obviously, prompted me to close my old blog and open this new one.
New blog for new events, at least that’s how I want to look at it.
Recap:
Without going into all the sordid details, I am now living with my kids, just the three of us, in a new house, relatively far away from where we used to live. It’s been an adjustment for all parties involved but, thankfully, one that hasn’t been too taxing or difficult. I have a new, full-time job with a company that I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost a year. It was super tough to get in and even tougher now that I am part of the organization. But, it is something I’ve been praying for so I am thankful for it. New house, new job, almost a new me.
Realization:
When I wrote how I wanted my 30’s to be a decade of real living, meaning living according to how I wanted, with what I wanted, considering all that was important to me and weeding out the unnecessary things, little did I know how straight-to-the point and accurate the Universe was going to hand me what I wanted. It took a lot of clenching of the stomach and gritting of the teeth to move out and move on and now it’s taking even more of both to rediscover who I am and raise kids at the same time. I know it’s not a unique situation. In fact, it’s so commonplace it hurts. But it is MY unique situation and so I am dealing with it as any person would something that has never happened or that was never in the plan. Admittedly, I have no clue how to proceed half the time. SO I am relying a lot on ‘winging it’, for now.
Restart:
Here’s my plan then. Transition phase into life as it is now should be a roller coaster ride, if my personality is anything to go by. But I am bound and determined to look at it with positive eyes, to see it as a second chance to do better, be better, live better, love better. I am going to do my bloody best to make sure my kids feel loved and special, regardless of the situation we’ve placed them in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that with the precious few hours in a day I have with them, but I will do it anyway. I am going to list down my non-negotiables and make sure that, this time, I really know what I want and that I don’t sacrifice these or settle for less. I am going to try my hardest to suck the marrow out of life, without fear, without regret. I am thinking shoot for the moon this time. Maybe I’ll get a to the moon and back.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged.
These events have, obviously, prompted me to close my old blog and open this new one.
New blog for new events, at least that’s how I want to look at it.
Recap:
Without going into all the sordid details, I am now living with my kids, just the three of us, in a new house, relatively far away from where we used to live. It’s been an adjustment for all parties involved but, thankfully, one that hasn’t been too taxing or difficult. I have a new, full-time job with a company that I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost a year. It was super tough to get in and even tougher now that I am part of the organization. But, it is something I’ve been praying for so I am thankful for it. New house, new job, almost a new me.
Realization:
When I wrote how I wanted my 30’s to be a decade of real living, meaning living according to how I wanted, with what I wanted, considering all that was important to me and weeding out the unnecessary things, little did I know how straight-to-the point and accurate the Universe was going to hand me what I wanted. It took a lot of clenching of the stomach and gritting of the teeth to move out and move on and now it’s taking even more of both to rediscover who I am and raise kids at the same time. I know it’s not a unique situation. In fact, it’s so commonplace it hurts. But it is MY unique situation and so I am dealing with it as any person would something that has never happened or that was never in the plan. Admittedly, I have no clue how to proceed half the time. SO I am relying a lot on ‘winging it’, for now.
Restart:
Here’s my plan then. Transition phase into life as it is now should be a roller coaster ride, if my personality is anything to go by. But I am bound and determined to look at it with positive eyes, to see it as a second chance to do better, be better, live better, love better. I am going to do my bloody best to make sure my kids feel loved and special, regardless of the situation we’ve placed them in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that with the precious few hours in a day I have with them, but I will do it anyway. I am going to list down my non-negotiables and make sure that, this time, I really know what I want and that I don’t sacrifice these or settle for less. I am going to try my hardest to suck the marrow out of life, without fear, without regret. I am thinking shoot for the moon this time. Maybe I’ll get a to the moon and back.
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