Playing God

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

Some Realizations and Some Goals

So, a quick post. Just want to get these thoughts down, although I think I'll post again before the year is over.

I've realized that a lot of my disappointments are rooted in my expectations, however right or wrong these expectations are. And these disappointments are about all aspects- family, money, work, relationships.

So, one thing I KNOW I have to work on in 2011 is re-working my expectations. Understanding that some of these are just not realistic mainly because I cannot dictate how the world turns.

Good to know.

Nearing the End of a Decade

As 2010 comes to a close, I take a look back at the year and try to assess how it went for me.

It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.

GOOD STUFF:

I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.

I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).

I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.

I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.

I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.

NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:

I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.

Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.

Depression Again

I love Christmas. This is one of four dates in a year I look forward to. Seriously. But the past few Christmases have been studies in different stages of depression, I've noticed. Last Christmas was about anxiety and relief rolled into one. I was on my own with the kids, I had a good job, I was able to survive, things looked to be getting off to a good start. but of course, there was the ever-present worry of whether or not I would perform well on this new job, how I would be able to manage and sustain two growing children in a single-income household, and dealing with the joyful season of love and giving without a partner.

This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.

I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.

In a Funk

Isn't it amazing how one moment can throw you into a days worth of funk?

I had a not-so-pleasant chat with my father-in-law at my mother-in-law's birthday party over the weekend and what he said to me in 10 minutes (without going into the gorry detail) just really insulted and upset me greatly. So much so that I've been on auto-pilot for three days since. It's true that negativity is so powerful in killing anything good so one should just do away with the negative people in their lives.

Well, I am trying really hard to get back on the saddle and continue my ride. That moment knowcked the wind out of me and I guess the other lesson there as well is to learn how to deal with the punches. I need a lesson from Manny Pacquiao.

AaAhhh....how to get out of the funk?!?!?

Gods Answers

I pray all the time now. But more for strenght and clarity and understanding more than material things. I figure, those will come as a result of being strong, clear, focused, and enlightened.
Lately, I've been noticing more and more how God does answer my prayers. I notice it in indirect words, instances, opportunities. These don't follow immediately after a prayer or a moment of reflections so, I guess, if you aren't paying attention, you could miss it.
It's a wonderful feeling to know that I am being answered and that He is listening.

Remembering Sucks Sometimes

I've been inundated with memories lately and I am not too pleased. I know, I know. I should revel in the fact that my mind seems to be able to retain the most mundane details, the most useless trivia, but there are just some things I want to forget. At least for now. Forgetting my first real "love" way back in high school was an almost painless and very effective way to get over that heartbreak. I literally do not remember some things about my relationship with him to this day. That made it so much easier to reconnect with him as a friend a couple of years later, and we remain very good friends today. But I can't delete my husband, even for a day, because we have kids and I have to constantly think of ways to deal with all my hurt and disappointment and disillusionment when it comes to him in order to have a working relationship for their sake. Bumping into pictures and connecting these to past events and memories only highlights what we were and we aren't now. So sad. But maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is the lesson, the trial, the obstacle God or the Universe wants me to overcome before I get all the good stuff; the "rainbow after the storm" (as Ruy put it during Sunday brunch).
Maybe all I have to do is to deal with the memories, rub salt in the wounds until they don't sting anymore, and then I'll be really OK.
Hmmm......