The World According to Vicki

Playing God

2011-01-29T11:40:00.001+08:00

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

Some Realizations and Some Goals

2010-12-31T11:21:00.002+08:00

So, a quick post. Just want to get these thoughts down, although I think I'll post again before the year is over.

I've realized that a lot of my disappointments are rooted in my expectations, however right or wrong these expectations are. And these disappointments are about all aspects- family, money, work, relationships.

So, one thing I KNOW I have to work on in 2011 is re-working my expectations. Understanding that some of these are just not realistic mainly because I cannot dictate how the world turns.

Good to know.

Nearing the End of a Decade

2010-12-29T23:10:00.002+08:00

As 2010 comes to a close, I take a look back at the year and try to assess how it went for me.

It was a year of challenges, some with great results, some not so much.

GOOD STUFF:

I have been able to solely support my children for a full year. This is evidence that I can really do it. Yes, it's been tough, some months more so than others, but I've gotten through it.

I have been given the opportunity to earn more through other odd jobs. While this has been extremely taxing on my time, patience, physical capability even, it has made it possible for me to have more than then barest minimum for my family (me and the kids).

I have discovered that God does listen, even to the most mule-headed of us (case in point, me). I can see that he listens and answers when I see doors open for me, however made for a midget they sometimes seem. He has answered my prayers in so many indirect ways that it is amazing how I never saw it before.

I have learned the hard truth that blood is thicker than water but that money is the root of all evil and money and blood do not go well together.

I have reaffirmed how my children are my everything. I love them with all my heart.

NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:

I realize that most of my year has been peppered with depression and envy and feelings of dissatisfaction over the state of some parts of my life. It could be because I am really slow to get over the bad part of a separation, or that I just spent too many years forgetting what happiness feels like. I don't know. I just know that despite the blessings, despite the knowledge that God is there and He listens and will answer, and despite the gift of my children- I still feel like I lack and I am behind. Maybe I need to stop being so proud or stop comparing and just relish what I've achieved. But I can't help but compare where my friends and their families are financially, and as a unit, and feel like a failure. I work hard to provide, I've worked hard to start over which I literally had to do, but I always feel like it isn't enough, like I'm so far behind, too slow, my kids need more, I need more. Sigh. I don't know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep before I really feel the need not to anymore. I think my friends are all tired of hearing me whine about the same things over and over again and while that should be a sign for me to get over it, I can't seem to do that. I still need to learn how to be still and to be satisfied, it seems.

Anyway, here is to hoping for better and only good things in 2011, the start of a new decade. I will post again at the end of the year, all the things I want for 2011 and the next decade. I need to think about it since God was so wonderfully literal about my 30th birthday post.

Depression Again

2010-11-17T19:09:00.002+08:00

I love Christmas. This is one of four dates in a year I look forward to. Seriously. But the past few Christmases have been studies in different stages of depression, I've noticed. Last Christmas was about anxiety and relief rolled into one. I was on my own with the kids, I had a good job, I was able to survive, things looked to be getting off to a good start. but of course, there was the ever-present worry of whether or not I would perform well on this new job, how I would be able to manage and sustain two growing children in a single-income household, and dealing with the joyful season of love and giving without a partner.

This year, my depression is different and a little confusing. The anxiety is still there. I am still worried about how I will perform in this new role in my stable job, about how I will put two growing kids through school in a single-income household, and how I will be able to manage it all. But there is a new source of depression now. I feel like I want more and things are moving so slowly. I mean, I am so glad I have earnings and am managing well considering I have no financial help from anyone. I am blessed with opportunities to keep things moving. But I want to move to a different part of the city, I want to buy a car so I can move around with the kids more easily and cut expensive commute fares from cabs in traffic, I want savings. And I wish I had someone to share my worries and triumphs with. Someone to sit in the living room with and laugh at my colorful tree (the first time ever- giving in to the kids' desire for color), someone to share a bottle of wine with on Christmas eve and to watch horror movies with instead of the sappy Christmas staples of White Christmas and Home Alone 1, 2, and 3. I don't even know if this is brought on by the season or just a culmination of a year of stress and working to the bone and hope and expectation and trying to keep the positive perspective coming crashing down on my immunity-deficient psyche.

I hope things will look better in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to be depressed for Christmas.

In a Funk

2010-11-03T11:56:00.002+08:00

Isn't it amazing how one moment can throw you into a days worth of funk?

I had a not-so-pleasant chat with my father-in-law at my mother-in-law's birthday party over the weekend and what he said to me in 10 minutes (without going into the gorry detail) just really insulted and upset me greatly. So much so that I've been on auto-pilot for three days since. It's true that negativity is so powerful in killing anything good so one should just do away with the negative people in their lives.

Well, I am trying really hard to get back on the saddle and continue my ride. That moment knowcked the wind out of me and I guess the other lesson there as well is to learn how to deal with the punches. I need a lesson from Manny Pacquiao.

AaAhhh....how to get out of the funk?!?!?

Gods Answers

2010-10-31T00:05:00.002+08:00

I pray all the time now. But more for strenght and clarity and understanding more than material things. I figure, those will come as a result of being strong, clear, focused, and enlightened.
Lately, I've been noticing more and more how God does answer my prayers. I notice it in indirect words, instances, opportunities. These don't follow immediately after a prayer or a moment of reflections so, I guess, if you aren't paying attention, you could miss it.
It's a wonderful feeling to know that I am being answered and that He is listening.

Remembering Sucks Sometimes

2010-10-19T12:15:00.002+08:00

I've been inundated with memories lately and I am not too pleased. I know, I know. I should revel in the fact that my mind seems to be able to retain the most mundane details, the most useless trivia, but there are just some things I want to forget. At least for now. Forgetting my first real "love" way back in high school was an almost painless and very effective way to get over that heartbreak. I literally do not remember some things about my relationship with him to this day. That made it so much easier to reconnect with him as a friend a couple of years later, and we remain very good friends today. But I can't delete my husband, even for a day, because we have kids and I have to constantly think of ways to deal with all my hurt and disappointment and disillusionment when it comes to him in order to have a working relationship for their sake. Bumping into pictures and connecting these to past events and memories only highlights what we were and we aren't now. So sad. But maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is the lesson, the trial, the obstacle God or the Universe wants me to overcome before I get all the good stuff; the "rainbow after the storm" (as Ruy put it during Sunday brunch).
Maybe all I have to do is to deal with the memories, rub salt in the wounds until they don't sting anymore, and then I'll be really OK.
Hmmm......

Curiouser and Curiouser and More Lessons

2010-10-09T00:10:00.003+08:00

When the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" came out, I admit, I wasn't interested. Brad Pitt for me had lost a lot of his attractiveness purely due to life decisions. Yes, in this case I am being 100% judgmental. I don't really care. I just found the whole Angelina thing in bad taste, bad character, poor impulse control. If his marriage really wasn't working then he should have had the decency to end it FIRST before gallivanting with another woman. Ok, I digress.

Anyway, I ended up watching the movie on HBO. Purely by accident. And I really liked it. I found I could relate to a lot of the writing. Since it spanned the lifetime of two main characters I don't know if that means I am old but I could relate. Brad Pitt was good in the movie and Cate Blanchett was luminous. Ok, Brad Pitt was hot. Again, I digress.

Below are two of many snippets of writing that touched me, spoke to me, told me that in some way the Universe was trying to make me understand things about myself, my choices, my life, what it was, what it is, what it can still be.

“It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.”

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothing last, and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.

So, again, to living life moving forward; to loving my gifts- my kids; to loving myself and finding some peace and happiness.

The Mind is a Powerful Thing

2010-09-20T11:03:00.002+08:00

I've been struggling with issues for the past year, ever since I separated from my husband, and I've been trying every way I know how to organize, understand, compartmentalize, and accept all my issues. I would tell myself, once I get to do this, I will be better.

But all my efforts have failed so far and all I've become in the year since I moved out is conflicted. And I don't want to be that way anymore.

Last night, I met up with a friend of mine whom I've known since 6th grade. She's getting married next month and I wanted to catch up with her because, one, we hadn't talked in months and months, and two, i am going to miss her wedding as it's a destination wedding. I told her about all that transpired in the months since she and I last talked and it was cathartic. One thing she said that night really stuck: He (husband) was right in saying you were never this negative before. You were more hopeful, more positive. And while sometimes a person can bring out the worst in you, you also allowed yourself to sink deeper and deeper into negativity. What a waste. your life will be a waste if you limit yourself, if you allow your negativity and your mind to limit you and keep you from being happy.

I admit, she is right. And she isn't the first one who has said this to me.

So I am really making the effort now to be more positive. To CHOOSE to be happy. First thing, mind detox- I am reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now". It was a gift from another good friend 3 years ago. I never read it but I think now is as good a time as any. I am making the effort to rephrase what I think and say. I am making the effort to say "OK, I can.." or "Alright, I'll try that.." instead of "No, but.." or "the thing is.."

I know I can do this.

New Post

2010-09-13T12:12:00.002+08:00

I'm staring a new job this month. Same company but different role. I am quite nervous about it, to be honest. It kinda feels like just when I get my balance, something rocks my carefully crafted boat. I'm beginning to think though that such is life. Just when you think you have it all figured out, you're thrown for a loop. I guess I should work on getting used to nothing ever working it quite the way you hope or plan.

In line with this, I am redirecting my energies to working on things I can control- myself.

I went to the gym over the weekend for the first time in years. It felt great. It felt like coming back to a class you loved and had to leave for some reason you don't even remember. I am working now on being able to get back to doing that on a regular basis.

I am doing mind exercises. I've decided to train my mind to move on. I was able to train it to forget soooo many years ago. And since I cant do that this time, I will train it to move on. So any time i get a thought that threatens to plunge me into that pit of depression Ive come to know so well, i make a conscious effort to think about other things. And only after the feeling of falling has passed do I allow myself to go back to those dangerous thoughts, try to process them objectively, and put away what I can. This is a work in progress and, to date my biggest project. One way I've decided to help myself is to open this blog to the public. Maybe through venting I can further release all the negativity that's been surrounding me for so long.

The Heart of the Matter

2010-09-10T16:04:00.002+08:00

A year ago, this month, I moved out of my old home, and my old life.

A year ago, this month, I had no house, no job, no savings. But I had my kids.

A year ago, this month, I had a broken marriage, a broken heart, and a dream.

A year later I review the past months...

...My marriage is still broken
...My heart is still broken

BUT

...My kids are healthy and happy and relatively well-adjusted
...I have a home
...I have a good job
..still working on the savings, but I have an extensive plan
...I still have hope and my dream.

I want to reclaim my life, remember the old me, create the new me. I want to heal my heart and stop exposing it to the same hammer that's been breaking it to pieces for a decade. I don't ever want to center my life and love around a man. When I find myself, I promise not lose her again. Most of all, I want to accept things the way they are, be at peace with them, and move on so that I can find my own happiness.

Post Birthday Wish List

2010-06-03T15:02:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to blog about some birthday wishes, realizations, what-have-you before my actual birthday but, obviously, I wasn't able to do so. Still, I feel like I have all these thoughts, feelings, and goals locked in my brain that I just have to write them down, at the very least, to satisfy my need for a semblance of organization.

That said, what will follow is a combined "list" of sorts. Bear with me.

31 Goals, Convictions, Desires for 2010

1-Goal: To be happy without depending on someone else to be the source of this happiness.
2-Goal: To lose 20 pounds over the year
3- Conviction: Before I turned 30, I wanted to do away with the unimportant things and to focus on the things that matter. Well, this year I want to be more specific. I am convinced that what matters to me in a partner is love, loyalty, responsibility, consistency. Everything else stems from these 4 traits. And so I want to focus on the person who will be all of that to and for me and my kids.
4-Desire: I want a car before Christmas 2011.
5-Desire: I want a new PC before mid- next year.
6-Desire: I want gym membership in the last quarter of this year onwards.
7- Goal: to realize my 5-year tuition plan, and to add my own personal savings plan to the mix.
8-Goal: to get promoted in a year
9-Conviction: Romance is not dead. It is only dead if you kill it.
10-Conviction: I cannot do casual sex or casual relationships. If, in my teens and twenty's I didn't care about tomorrow. in my thirty's I find that I do.
11-Conviction: My friends are my treasures.
12-Goal: to pay all smaller debts by Christmas next year.
13-Desire: a new wardrobe
14-Desire: a bigger place with lower rent
15-Conviction: I am not the person a lot of people thought I was in ITI (negative). I am soooo much better than that.
16-Goal: to rediscover God. Again.
17-Goal: to get a sideline I can manage so that I can earn more
18-Desire: to take a trip out of town every year
19-Conviction: In times of panic, sleep.
20-Conviction: I am stronger than I thought I was or could be.
21- Conviction: I think things to death. I do. And those time when I thought I would go crazy, I stayed sane through prayer. So prayer is stronger than anyone knows.
22-Goal: to make sure my kids have all they need and then some of what they want
23-Goal: to figure out a medical plan for the kids
24-Goal: to sort out all the late vaccinations
25-Desire: to get a new mp3/4 player
26-Conviction: Nothing is ever what it seems. Not a job, a friend, a boss, a parent, a lover, a child. Take time to figure it out correctly. Try not to judge.
27-Conviction: It's ok to choose who to go out with. This way, you are sure everyone, yourself included, will have a good time.
28-Conviction: I cannot stomach immaturity at this age. It's so unattractive.
29-Conviction: My friend's mom told her almost 10 years ago that she should marry someone who could take care of her as well as her parent did. I thought then that this was a tall order and kind of unfair, but I see the wisdom in it now.
30-Conviction: Children should be better than their parents. Parents should work to make sure this happens.
31-Conviction: I will be doing this again near my 32nd birthday.

Vicki and Meredith Grey

2010-05-25T16:08:00.002+08:00

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event --big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."- Grey's Anatomy

I love this quote. It sums up a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my life; a lot of the thoughts or ways of dealing with the 'now', encapsulated in the phrases-it's so apt. The clincher, of course, is the last statement.

What are those things worth holding on to?

Suncreen Again

2010-05-24T15:18:00.002+08:00

I seem to post this speech once every year. I thought it would be interesting to see which parts resonate to me this year. Here goes...

Sunscreen Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99...

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. - I think this line will forever strike me.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. - haha! Some truth here.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. - easier said than done.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. - YES!

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. - I'm divided on deciding if these words are comforting.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. - YES!

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. - sighing wearily but determinedly

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. - sighing wearily but determinedly

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. - YES!

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. - I agree, but this is hard to let go of. Expectation is a killer.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Old Birthday

2010-05-24T13:15:00.003+08:00

I've thought about turning 30 for a good 5 years now. As the day fast approached, I found myself constantly torn over the excitement of starting a new decade, hopefully, wiser, and fear over getting old. Somehow, my childhood dreams and fantasies never extended past my 20's. So, I think it's understandable that as my 30th birthday fast approached, I was filled with this feeling of not know what to do, how to react, and what to expect. My friend, Kaye, told me that the 30's is so much better than the 20's. You know more, you've seen more, you have a better idea of who you are and what you want. Great! Except I wasn't sure that I knew more, had seen enough, or that I knew myself and what I wanted. I knew that the beginning of this year marked the beginning of a new journey of self-discovery. But I felt 5 months wasn't enough to have even a glimmer of a sure thought about myself. Suffice it to say, I was scared.3 days after turning the big 3-0 and...nothing feels different. There are some things I expect and can foresee. I expect that my metabolism will slow down even further (especially since I haven't gotten my exercise regimen back and since I almost always skip breakfast). I foresee that my years to complete my MA and PhD are numbered. I know that I have to get my career on track. I am certain I love my husband and kids above anything (OK, the same amount as God?). That's it. I have to say the expression "Houston, we're in trouble" popped into my head almost immediately after typing these last words. Ha!Well, at the risk of sounding like Oprah (I am definitely not her although I often wish I were), there are some more things I find I know for sure. I know for sure that I am excited to find out what this decade has in store for me. Excited to get back into shape, to go places at work and outside, to be young and beautiful inside and out, and to be the best wife and mom I can be. It doesn't sound like much but I actually think it's quite a lot. Relief, I tell you. I am not lost after all. I can smile now. Isn't that a great way to start the decade? Happy Birthday to me!!

Obviously, I've been looking at old posts. I thought it would be educational to do this so close to my 31st birthday. This is what I posted last year. Interesting. I will post something about my thoughts and feelings about this coming birthday soon.

Tests

2010-05-24T13:04:00.004+08:00

Just before a dream is fulfilled, the Soul of the World decides to test everything that was learned on the journey." Paolo Coelho

Livi texted this to me more than a year ago. It seems I am still being tested. I am still at a crossroad- or maybe I've encountered more than one already and the succession just appears to make these one choice. And I have a depressing, uncomfortable feeling that I am flunking these tests big time. Why can't I learn? WHY?!?

Blast from the Past

2010-05-24T12:40:00.002+08:00

Paolo Coelho said in his Plurk, "True love allows each person to follow his or her own path, aware that doing so can never drive them apart." I am 'wow-ed' again. I mean, really. Wow. Imagine the confidence in yourself and each other to be able to go, full steam ahead, and pursue your dreams. And to know that you will never be apart from your significant other, no matter how much or less time you are able to spend together, that you will be together in heart and spirit regardless. Wow, indeed. The romantic in me coming out again. - Jan 9 2009

I was looking through my old blog posts and I found this one. It stood out, and after you read it, you'll know why. It's amazing what my thoughts were 1.5 years ago. How far from my reality now.

Tears are for the Weak

2010-05-05T10:47:00.002+08:00

I never really thought it was shameful to cry. I'd often advise friends going through tough times to let it all out as this would make them feel better. I don't know then why I can't for the life of me, just cry. I've been told several times, by different people, that I have to cry to start the "healing process". At least, it will start me on that path to being OK and happy again. I know this. And like so many things I know logically, I can't seem to make my emotions follow.I feel sad, don't get me wrong. A lot of times I am so sad I just don't want to get out of bed. And I have cried. But I don't think I've had a major cry. The soul-wrenching, tear duct- cleansing cry that I need. Why, oh why?!?

Livi said she read in a book that controlling the way you think, your thoughts, is the most important thing. Everything else pales in importance to that. Is this another proof point that I cannot control my thoughts? Am i doomed?

Tel'aran'rhiod and Ter'angreal

2010-04-12T12:41:00.004+08:00

No one, except 'Wheel of Time' lovers would understand the title of my blog post. Let me explain, to provide some context to this short post:

Tel'aran'rhiod- in the book series refers to the 'World of Dreams'. Some people visit this place unknowingly when they dream, but those who are Dreamers, Wise Ones, those who can wield the One Power, and wolves, can all consciously go there. Meaning, they can schedule going to sleep in order to access this world. Here, what happens can affect you as it would in the waking world. You can also talk to people in lands far away or go to places you would otherwise have no access to.

Ter'angreal- objects made during the Age of Legends by male and female Aes Sedai together. They are made for special purposes. The White Tower uses one to raise a novice to Accepted and Accepted to Aes Sedai. The candidate crosses the arch 3 separate times and is taken to different variations of her life, at different points in time. The test is for her to overcome whatever version of her life she falls into and return to the real world. She is supposed to want to become Aes Sedai more than anything else and to know that the path to that becoming is not an easy one, the requirements unforgiving, and thus requiring strength and dedication. It is a very powerful object, and sometimes the women who go through the test don't come out. Some Aes Sedai think it's because they find a version of their life within the arches that they would rather live and so decide to stay.

Why the mention of these two very fictitious objects?

Well, last night I had a dream. And for the first time in a while, I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up after my alarm went off, I made a conscious effort to go back to sleep and return to the dream. Sometimes, you can do that. It was just a normal dream with a guy and a girl being sweet to each other. Of course, I was the girl. The guy, I don't know who he was. I just know, I loved the feeling of being cared for and being secure that I had in the dream. So much so that I wanted to 1. go back to the dream when I woke up, 2. stay in that place, at least for a while longer. Hence the reference to the Robert Jordan books.

My subconscious is making me cry.

5th year- Supposedly.

2010-03-16T08:02:00.005+08:00

So, today is my 5th year wedding anniversary. Oh happy day! I feel all the sweetness and light! Loved, cherished, a life shared with an understanding and caring partner. Can you feel the sarcasm?

My attempt at distasteful humor aside, it's a tough day. On the heels of a tough February. Imagine, 10.5 years ago I met my hubby. Then 5.5 years of a roller coaster bf-gf relationship. Followed by 2 beautiful, intelligent, good kids and a painful, heartbreaking, faith-shattering breakup. Cool huh.

I constantly ask myself if all this now was what I expected, worth what I got out of the past decade, enough to break me.

Well, I don't know if it was what I expected. When I try to look back at my expectations then, I can't seem to remember clearly what they were anymore. I know I remember being afraid, having 2nd thoughts, wondering if this was the right way to go, even when I was pregnant with Tyler already. But I also remember being excited to move to the next chapter, being in love and feeling loved, thinking that I had found the man for me. So I don't know. Really, at this point, does anyone really have that kind of clarity?

Is the past decade worth whatever I got out of it? In terms of life lessons, yes, in a way. I think I know so much more now that I ever could hope to know even through intensive study. There really is nothing like life teaching you lessons you have to learn. I do remember the rose-colored glasses I had on 15 years or so ago and I find myself wondering how I found those spectacles and if it's ok or smart to have my kids wear them. I don't want them to lose their innocence too early, after all. But I do want them to be more aware of the realities of life. I had my head in the clouds and look where it got me. Now, in terms of pain- well, I can't really separate the lesson from the pain. It's like learning how to use saidar or saidin- you get burned when you try, especially without direction, and you can go mad if you take in too much; but once you get it, you can compartmentalize the pain that came with the learning, and may still come with the wielding of knowledge. I think only Numi will understand this analogy. And, of course, my 2 kids today are worth anything. I don't remember how I was before I had them. At least, not beyond a picture of how I was. Today, I would do anything for them, endure anything. There is no love like that of a mother for her child/children. I understand what this means now. I only wish that Mark understood it as well. At least, for their sake. Well, this is one of my "wishes" when it comes to him, but that is another post, and really maybe something that needs to be put to sleep. Again, fodder for another post.

Is the past enough to break me. Well, I'm not broken yet. Some parts of me are, admittedly. And I can't for the life of me put things back together, at least, not in the way things were before. But I am not completely broken so I can say that the experience did not break me. I want to continue living life to the fullest, but I am not sure what that means for myself entirely anymore. And I guess that should be part of what I should be understanding moving forward.

Numi sent me a clip of a Rascal Flatts song on Facebook. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at lyrics first before melody, that 90% of the time a good turn of phrase makes up for a not-so-exciting melody, and rarely do I take catchy notes over intelligent words. So, although I haven't actually heard the song, the lyrics speak volumes to me. Here is the song:

MY WISH

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)

This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)

I would like to wish this for myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish or self-centered. On this day, my anniversary, if I could make a wish...

Courage

2010-03-03T17:52:00.003+08:00

These lines, from a South African woman who was raped, with her throat cut deeply enough to see her spine, stabbed several times so much so that her intestines fell out of her stomach, and yet crawled to the main road, was found, and survived, struck me:

"I had always believed that nothing happened to anyone who didn't have the capacity to overcome it," she wrote in her book. "We are never given more than we can bear. It was up to me now to have faith in my own power and believe that this would not set me back or change my life."

I want to believe this. My life is not the result of the horrors she faced and yet she can look back on the incident, look and move forward. I want to believe this.

Goodbye Love Month

2010-02-26T11:29:00.001+08:00

By the time I write my next post, the month of hearts will be officially over. This was a tough month for me this year. I am hoping next year will be better.

Bye February!

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 3

2010-02-24T11:57:00.002+08:00

ok, this is a more positive song. I am feeling better today. And I'm trying to keep things/ issues/ people in neat little compartments so that they don't get all mixed up and confusing again.

"Let Go"

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]

[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 2

2010-02-23T12:20:00.002+08:00

ok, song vent for the day. Warning: there might be more than one song today, to make up for the weekend (?). I hate this month this year.

Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade?
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little somethin' to eat?
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet?
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills?

(Chorus)

I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't even notice me.
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes

We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took that job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is my shiny gun?
Where is my lonely ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

From Someone Else's Words to God's Ears # 1

2010-02-17T11:01:00.002+08:00

I've been wanting to post about how I've been feeling this month but I just can't seem to get in the mood. Which is rare, and bad, for me since I consider this my venting outlet and a way for me to get things into some kind of acceptable perspective. I thought then, instead of blogging at length about how I feel, I'll just borrow the words from lyrics of songs I can relate to.

Here's the one for today:

Nothing That You Are

Somebody told me, they saw you somewhere
Somebody hold me, cause suddenly I'm a little, cold
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?

Chorus:
I heard you say
We were one and the same
Well wrong again
I could never do those things you did to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into the nothing that you are
The nothing you are

Somebody sold me, yeah the same old story
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Hadn't you told me, you were there the whole time
Yea yeah, yea yeah
Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I hope you burn in hell, or do I?

(chorus)

I know your mistakes will hunt you down, eventually
You'll know that when you hit the ground
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out
It's ok, I have the truth on my side

I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you , did, to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are x4

I Love You Two.

2010-02-11T15:43:00.000+08:00

The Heart Of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

...for my 2 loves.

BI-ATCH!

2010-02-11T11:31:00.003+08:00

I have to vent about an office mate. I need to because I at my limit with patience.

Background:
We are 4 in the team, including my boss. We are all women and all relatively young. Hehehe. I am the only external hire though. We develop training plans and ensure it's execution by trainers come training time. We also develop the materials when necessary. To add to that, we are in charge of process flows for the "services" to be trained. That's the team's objective in a nutshell.

Now, I don't know how or when it started but one of my team mates seems to have a problem with me. In the beginning, she would invite me for a quick smoke or to eat out. She would chat with me before leaving at the end of the day. And even joke around during work hours.
Lately, her greeting are lukewarm at best, when they are given, she doesn't invite for anything anymore, and if we are the only two people in our row of cubicles, there is most often silence- as if we are not team mates at all.
I don't know why the attitude shifted. I've been thinking and thinking if there was anything I said to make her angry or uncomfortable and I keep coming up with nothing. We were not "friends" enough for such closeness and since our schedules are different, we would only have intersecting hours to interact so not too much contact. So it got me thinking that could she be angry at me because I spend a lot of time with our boss? I like my boss, see. I can see her become a friend outside the office, in fact. We have a lot in common- we like similar books, we like to over think things to death, we both sing and sang in choirs in school, she has a young child as well, and she has a lot of mannerisms that remind me of Livi (which is comforting). Plus, we have the same schedule. So we hang out together during break time. We eat lunch together. We go home almost always at the same time.
My team mate has issues about not being liked- and perhaps this is because she is really moody and very abrasive. She has very little people skills. The way she converses with managers is astounding and I mean that in a negative way. Thing is, she knows her people skills are lacking and yet she justifies it by saying she doesn't care what people think. At the same time, she seems to care about other people and whether these people deserve or don't deserve the attention or kudos they get from their managers. She loves to highlight the negatives of a person at the same time showcasing how much she knows about "how things should be". But she doesn't care if she is acting the ways she should in the workplace. She needs so much micro management it is amazing. Every taks assigned to her is questioned, aspects within the task passed on to other people, and when this doesn't work she pouts! As in her face falls and her voice rises when conversing! She reminds me of my 2 year old not getting her way. It is the bloodiest fucking annoying thing in the universe. And that is just how she is in general. Towards me, she is cold. Like i greet her cheerfully and she gives me a barely audible grunt. We're supposed to be attending the same meeting, we're the only ones at our stations, and yet she gets up and goes to the training room as if she is the only one in the meeting or as if I am not her team mate, there present, getting ready to go to the same meeting. And then sometimes you're talking, asking a question, and she will just butt in with her own question as if you aren't talking. I want to fucking throw a monitor at her and tell her to grow up and get some manners. According to my boss, she may be the kind who needs to be praised and given a frequent pat on the back. But to get those you have to deserve it!! So, I've decided from now on, I will treat her with the same indifference. And if it's a matter of pitting skill against skill- even if I am an external hire and my business knowledge is not as deep as hers, I can still beat her at this competition she seems to be creating. And why do I know this? Because I am confident that I know what I know and can do this well, and that I can learn what I don't know yet and do these well, also. Because I AM better than her in a lot of ways beyond just knowing about the company. When it comes to pitting Key Competencies, I dare say that I have more cghecks under more competencies that she has. Even if she's been here longer, she's been in an agent role for 3 years. I've actually managed a team. This sounds arrogant, I know, but in this case, I really honestly believe it's true and that I need to portray a certain amount of arrogance for her to understand that she isn't dealing with some stupid person from the nether regions of Manila. She isn't dumb. Far from it. But she relies heavily on emotions as the basis of her actions and decisions, making thes unwise and ultimately hindering her from career growth and improvement. Grrrrrrr!

Does my ranting make any sense?

I really just needed to vent. She is really annoying the crap out of me.

Anger and Issues

2010-02-08T11:56:00.002+08:00

I can't believe how fast time flies. I told myself I would post an average of 3 posts per month- just to keep my mind organized and to have an outlet for venting. But almost half of February has passed and I haven't even posted once. Good thing I had a not-so-great weekend, so I have a lot to post about.

There are several things I've been thinking about over the past weeks. These thoughts really all go in circles. I am thinking of them one week, next week I am convicned I have the solution, the week after there they are back again, stressing me out. I am thinking then that I have to get them down and organized at least, so I know what I am dealing with in my head.

1. Money- this is truly the root of evil. haha!
I don't get how households earning less than I do on my own, survive. I mean, I am not earning a bajillion bucks but I know it's more than minimum wage, and yet I am struggling every month. I have tried cutting on expenses but it seems I need to cut even more, and I don't know how I can do this. Maybe I want too fancy a lifestyle. But I really don't think I am living a fancy lifestyle as it is. I don't use the ac, TV time is limited as the cable is locked most of the days (kids have no control and end up glued to the set), food is budgeted even, no extras. Hmmm...I need to examine my OPEX again. And then I see commercials like Jericho Rosales's Extra Joss showing how a coconut vendor put 2 of his kids through college on that. Maybe I need to buy Extra Joss then. Seriously speaking though, I really don't get it. And I haven't even figured in tuition expenses. This is really stressful.

2. Help- this is in general (can be interpreted as a plea as well, haha).
Everyone I've asked about being a single parent has cited help in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be through financial assistance or looking after the kids. I don't recall talking to a single person who has said they did it all on their own. And somehow I think this is what I am being tasked to do. Here's why: family-wise, this is the help I can ask for- from my younger brother, none as he doesn't earn much and is planning to get married soon; from my older brother- none, as he says he can't afford it. He's also helping my parents so I suppose he really can't. My parents- none; they are still trying to make sure they have a steady income. Besides, they spent already to help me get set up out of Makati. My aunts and uncles- none, due to the fact that they seem to be seeing it as a re-run of my parents borrowing, which I am not surprised about. In fairness, they have extended some help to me already. But a talk from one of them was about how I can't rely on that as it will become a habit. Ok. As for my estranged husband: he seems to think 1. I have to approach him for him to give me money for tuition and that this is contingent on HIS choice of school, oh, and did I mention sub-standard schools are ok with him as he says he can't afford the Private ones. 2. that I can handle things on my own, completely, 3. that it's ok to say "when things work out and I am more stable then I can give more. titingnan ko pa."- Did he think having kids is the same as having puppies? What is his idea of schooling- a building with books? And why does he think waiting for things to iron themselves out is good enough? Why is there no sense of urgency? Other men get up at 5 am and sleep at midnight after a day or manual labor for slightly above minimum wage in order to provide and yet he can sleep soundly at night, bide his time, and say "when this or that happens".
Now, am I to do this on my own then? I mean, is this the Universe's lesson for me about being alone? I think it's cruel one, if it is. And I can't help but get angry- at myself and a whole lot of people. Which I am not sure is right either. If only I had saved more, if I could just earn more, get a 2nd job, etc etc. If only the man I married were responsible and mature and committed and selfless. If only my parents had taken better care of their money. If only, if only, if only. And these thoughts just feed the anger and discontent further. I know most of what I am thinking most of the time is irrational already but desperation and panic seem to take control and allow for it. And then it all goes downhill from there. *Sigh.

3. Me- too much to write down.
Let me just say that if I were to draw what and who I am now and compare it to what I had drawn 10 years ago... I would be...disappointed in myself.

So these are the thoughts that run in circles in my head. Needless to say, they are a lot, and ongoing, and depressing. So I am working on looking for more mood shifters to help me think positive and constructive. Suggestions?

The Tango Maligned

2010-01-20T12:43:00.003+08:00

I was listening to my current favorite radio station on my mp3 player on my way to work today,a s I do every work day, and one of the comments made by a listener was: "Walang maloloko kung walang magpapaloko." This sort of made the blood rush to my head and stuck, obviously, since I am still thinking about it now 4 hours later.

There are some cases where I would have to agree with this statement. I have an office mate who is with someone who consistently cheats on her. She knows this. She's caught her partner a couple of times. Other people have told her about it. This was the setting of how they got together. And yet, they are still together. My office mate's reason is, she needs an admission of the cheating to be able to let go. In this case, it really is two tango-ing. Heck, I can totally empathize with her. But I know of other couples where one is a fantastic partner. Loving, giving, etc and lauded as such by the partner at that. And yet, the partner still cheats. The reason given: that's how men are. Where is the "it takes two to tango" here?

I just thought the generalization in the comment was unfair. There really are just some shitty people who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves and their pleasure. There is no tango for these people because their lives are solo performances with the partner being just the unfortunate audience. I just needed to get that out.

Uno

2010-01-20T10:17:00.004+08:00

I've been meaning to post a "beginning of the new decade" post but I just haven't gotten around to it before now. And this post is definitely pathetic if one were to rate it in terms of style and content. This is because I've actually been really busy this first half of the first month of 2010. I am taking this as a good sign. I remember that I like being busy. It makes me feel productive and useful. I don't like being over-worked, mind you. And so far, the amount of work I am doing in the office is just right. Great way to start the week. So, excuse me for the short and unoriginal post.
I would like to say that I am sticking to what I said at the end of last year. I still want those things on my lists. I want the promotion and more money, I want to be able to provide for my kids well, I want to focus on "me" love, and I want my true love. Hahaha! If there's one thing I am absolutely sure of it's that I am beginning this year with a recovered appreciation of everything romantic. I feel like I took a dip in the well of Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Baby Boom, Secret of my Success, and all the 80's feel-good movies I grew up with.
So, that's that for this post. I have a lot of things I want to post about- almost a collection of questions bouncing around in my head that Ive been meaning to "talk" about so anticipate more post today until the end of the week!

Belated Greetings

2010-01-14T14:57:00.002+08:00

BELATED HOLIDAY GREETINGS! LET'S MAKE THIS NEW DECADE GREAT!

Shell Confusion

2009-12-17T18:47:00.002+08:00

How do you know for sure if you are doing what you are meant to be doing and if you are in the place you are meant to be? For the longest time I wanted to be a part of Shell because I thought it offered me a lot of career opportunities and good benefits. I was sure that I would have no problems fitting in because I know I am not stupid. Yes, it's a different industry but I was confident I would get the hang of it after a while. Two months down the road and I still often feel like I am swimming in a foreign ocean, required to use strokes I'd never heard of nor seen before, let alone know!

I don't know what to do with all my confusion.

Plans for 2010

2009-12-14T12:19:00.006+08:00

I've gone through a lot of changes since mid-year. Ironically, a little over a month after I turned 30. I remember creating a post a month before my birthday listing down my goals for the next decade of my life and I've already commented on how accurately the Universe followed my list- although not in the easiest, happiest way. I am alive and kicking though and still looking forward to this decade. In many ways, now more so than ever before, it feels like a new start. So I was thinking of listing down things again. Goals, desires, plans- however you want to call it. At least for 2010 first. Affie also made me think had about this, since it seems she already has her goals for next year set. So what will go into this list? Hmmmm...

1. More financial stability- I need to get regularized, then I need to perform so that before my 1st year I can look at trying to jump to the next job group. Of course, this means I have to learn a bajillion things in less than 12 months- so much so that I will have a complete set of competencies under my belt for the move upwards. I see this as a tough task since I've come to discover the company I've been targeting joining in, like, forever, is pretty boring. For people who know me well enough, alarm bells should be going off since I don't do boring very well. But I am thinking, you can't get everything you want all the time. So I am determined to make lemonade out of these lemons. In fairness, they are pretty good quality lemons so the lemonade should taste fantastic, regardless of the creativity in making it so. So there.

2. Practical but important things to schedule and accomplish- 1. school of Tyler- I need to decide whether to put him in in January or start the school year fresh in June. January pros would be that he is back in an environment he likes (schooling) which might further help him adjust to our new life, he would get a full quarter of learning to help prepare him for big boy school when he turns 6 (which is in 2 years! boohoo! my baby boy- this is for another post). January cons would be EXPENSIVE!!! But I am hoping to iron this out with their dad. 2. doctor's vaccinations- Tyler is late for one vaccine and a booster, and Skye hasn't gotten her MMR. I've been vacillating about this because of fear over the alleged links of vaccines to latent autism. But when she broke out mid-year in what looked like a measles rash, I panicked. So I think I am going to get it done. She'll be 2.2 years by then and her brother is OK and got it before his 18th month so I am hoping... 3. transportation set-up- I don't know if this means I have to seriously look into getting a car. I also don't know how this is feasible since I don't think I can afford one anytime soon. I just know that I need one, mainly for the kids, since I can survive well enough commuting. 4. Good, stable, dependable yaya's- I have one already. I am hoping that I get an all around/yaya who is as good if not better and who won't cost me an arm and a leg.

3. More love of self- I think I've forgotten how to really and truly love myself. I can almost feel eyebrows rising to the high heavens. Yes, really. I mean, I know I can be all about myself at times- when talking over coffee, in reacting to certain situations, etc. I mean, look at the name of my blog, for Pete's sake! But that's not really what I am referring to here. I hope I am able to articulate this well. I am talking about the loving what's deep inside so well that it just feeds into everything about you- this needs re-learning. I don't think I've fed my soul anytime lately- read a really good book that made me think about things and decide about my own life plan; seen a fantastic movie that made me remember and cry and process and laugh; watched a play or concert, gone to the spa, and so on and so forth- just done things that make me feel good so much that this just gets absorbed into my pores and is translated to the world. When I was in college, I walked around with the supreme confidence that I was the best I could be in so many ways and that who wouldn't want to get to know me because of that. It sounds arrogant, I know. But I am not saying I felt like I was the prettiest, sexiest, smartest woman around. Just that for me, myself, I was fabulous. And I want to get that back. That confidence that required no one's input to keep the tank full. ME.

4. Someone to watch over me- hehehehe. I thought the song would be the most fitting line for this point. After all the "me" loving comes the person who will love, adore, worship me. Hahahahaha! I am officially claiming this. 2010 is the year. Before my birthday, preferably. And when he finally finds me, it will be grand!

I think these are 4 important goals, desires, plans for 2010. And I am hoping the Universe is as dependable in 2010 as it was this year. Note to Universe though, please make it happy this time. I think I could use a leg up.

15 again

2009-12-11T13:28:00.002+08:00

I recently discovered how I like a lot of the Taylor Swift songs coming out lately. There's a new one that just hit me with nostalgia, it was unbelievable.

Fifteen

You take a deep breath
And you walk through the doors
It's the mornin of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
And try to stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year
And you're gonna be here for the next 4 years
In this town
Hopin' one of those Senior boys
Will wink at you and say 'I haven't seen you around before'

Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feelin' like there's nothin to figure out
Count to ten
Take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in class next to red-head Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughi'n at the other girls
Who they think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date
And he's got a car
And you're feelin like flyin
And you're momma's waitin up
And you're thinkin he's the one
And you're dancin around the room when the night ends
When the night ends

Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
And your first kiss makes your head spin around
But in your life you'll do things
Greater than datin the boy on the football team ---> yes.
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now ---> hell, yeah.

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams in life
And Abigail gave everything she had
To a boy who changed his mind
And we both cried

Cuz when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might know who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
at fifteen ---> is it ok to say I still don't know, 15 years later?

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...

You're very first day
Take a deep breath girl
And take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

wow. It was a nostalgia so deep I almost wanted to cry. How I would change a lot if I could only turn back time. But I know I can't, and I know (cliche as it may sound) that a lot of what I know now is because of the 15 years after 15.
Funny, my dad told me when I was 15 that he didn't want me to start "dating" too early because, when the right time to date would come around I would be tired or in a hurry or at a stage beyond where everyone else was. He was right but, of course, I didn't listen. I hope I'll have better luck getting my kids to understand this when I tell them.

Clinical Depression?

2009-12-09T12:26:00.003+08:00

Something Affie said a few days ago stuck. She said you can be depressed without knowing it, or even show obvious signs of it. This got me thinking. I've been in this rut lately. But it seems, upon reflection, that this rut has been happening pretty frequently. I decided to do some research on depression and this is what I found:

Signs and symptoms of depression
Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that's when it's time to seek help.

Common signs and symptoms of depression:
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation. -- hmm, not really.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure. --some but not all mentioned here.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month. --ok, weight loss. But this is a good thing. Really.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia). --yes
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves. --yes, yes
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete. --yes, yes, yes
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes. --ok, I've been like this since high school, ask my best friend, so I don't think this counts.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things. --yup
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain. - definitely

Types of depression:

Major depression
Major depression is characterized by the inability to enjoy life and experience pleasure. The symptoms are constant, ranging from moderate to severe. Left untreated, major depression typically lasts for about six months. Some people experience just a single depressive episode in their lifetime, but more commonly, major depression is a recurring disorder. However, there are many things you can do to support your mood and reduce the risk of recurrence.

Atypical Depression
Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection. Atypical depression responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying this subtype can be particularly helpful. (this sounds more like what I've been going through)

Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)
Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
There’s a reason why so many movies and books portray rainy days and stormy weather as gloomy. Some people get depressed in the fall or winter, when overcast days are frequent and sunlight is limited. This type of depression is called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Seasonal affective disorder is more common in northern climates and in younger people. Like depression, seasonal affective disorder is treatable. Light therapy, a treatment that involves exposure to bright artificial light, often helps relieve symptoms.

Some causes of depression. The list was long so I only included what I thought was applicable:

Role strain - Women often suffer from role strain over conflicting and overwhelming responsibilities in their life. The more roles a woman is expected to play (mother, wife, working woman), the more vulnerable she is to role strain and subsequent stress and depression. Depression is more common in women who receive little help with housework and child care. Single mothers are particularly at risk. Research indicates that single mothers are three times more likely than married mothers to experience an episode of major depression.

Relationship dissatisfaction - While rates of depression are lower for the married than for the single and divorced, the benefits of marriage and its general contribution to well-being are greater for men than for women. Furthermore, the benefits disappear entirely for women whose marital satisfaction is low. Lack of intimacy and marital strife are linked to depression in women.

Coping mechanisms - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.

Stress response - According to Psychology Today, women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.

Treatment:

Ask for help and support
If even the thought of tackling your depression seems overwhelming, don’t panic. Feeling helpless and hopeless is a symptom of depression—not the reality of your situation. It does not mean that you’re weak or you can’t change! The key to depression recovery is to start small and ask for help. Having a strong support system in place will speed your recovery. Isolation fuels depression, so reach out to others, even when you feel like being alone. Let your family and friends know what you’re going through and how they can support you.

Make healthy lifestyle changes
Lifestyle changes are not always easy to make, but they can have a big impact on depression. Take a good look at your own lifestyle. What changes could you make to support depression recovery? Self-help strategies that can be very effective include:
Cultivating supportive relationships
Getting regular exercise and sleep
Eating a healthy, mood-boosting diet
Managing stress
Practicing relaxation techniques
Challenging negative thought patterns

Learn social and emotional skills
Many people lack the skills needed to overcome stress and make satisfying connections to others and these limitations may contribute to depression. This is a skill set that can be learned.

Seek professional help
If positive lifestyle changes and support from family and friends aren’t enough, seek help from a mental health professional. There are many effective treatments for depression, including therapy, medication, and alternative treatments. Learning about your options will help you decide what measures are most likely to work best for your particular situation and needs.

Are antidepressants right for you?
Medication can help relieve the symptoms of depression in some people, but they aren’t a cure and they come with drawbacks of their own. Learning the facts about antidepressants and weighing the benefits against the risks can help you make an informed and personal decision about whether medication is right for you.

Effective treatment for depression often includes some form of therapy. Therapy gives you tools to treat depression from a variety of angles. What’s more, what you learn in therapy gives you skills and insight to prevent depression from coming back. Some types of therapy teach you practical techniques on how to reframe negative thinking and employ behavioral skills in combating depression. Therapy can also help you work through the root of your depression, helping you understand why you feel a certain way, what your triggers are for depression, and what you can do to stay healthy.

After all this research I am thinking that maybe I am depressed. I don't like the idea of taking meds or paying to see a shrink though. Both are too time consuming and expensive. So I am going to try the tips highlighted in light green and see if they do me any good.

Stuck

2009-12-08T13:51:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling really down more often these days. I don't know how to change it. It seems I feel more depressed than not. Like this is becoming a new normal and those moments when I am ok are the spikes. And the more I try to get out of it, the deeper I seem to sink. I feel like doing something and not moving at the same time. I want to start a new hobby but I feel held back by lack of finances. I feel unhappy but I am also happy. I need to talk to friends but a lot are unavailable. This annoys me to death but I understand that the world does not revolve around me. I also feel like I don't want to talk or see anyone. Like I just want to stay in my room, lie down, and not move. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying.

Cry

2009-12-08T10:38:00.003+08:00

Months ago, I was looking for a song to fit my life situation. I do this often. Look for songs to fit whatever is happening to me at the moment. I assume it's a normal thing and I haven't really bothered to ask anyone if they do this as well. Anyway, I just heard the perfect song on the radio, on my way to work, today. I know it's late and it may not fit things exactly anymore but I thought I would post it anyway.

CRY - Kelly Clarkson

If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah what do I care If they believe me or not
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Cry

It's amazing how some songs can so perfectly talk about what and how you are feeling about things. Reading through these lyrics I am struck with a certain sense of sadness at how I felt and a certain amount of fear. I am trying not to think about how easily this can happen to me again. If I open myself up to new things I am also opening myself up to possible pain again. Am I really ready for that? I don't want to live life afraid. But maybe the fear barriers is a smarter way to go. Heaven knows plunging head first into things has just given me migraines. Ah, confusion again.

The 'Art' of Letting Go

2009-12-04T13:55:00.004+08:00

I always knew I didn't like sports. The idea of chasing, hitting, or doing anything sporty with a ball was just too much for me. I, to this day, shudder at the thought of engaging in a real sport. Needless to say, my hobbies when I was younger were all 'artsy'. I studied drawing, painting, and music. I read a lot and wrote a lot of girly poems and short stories. I still love all these things today.

But I never did learn or understand the 'art' of letting go.

I am just someone who is not very good with not getting her way. Ok, sounds bratty, I know, but it's true. Up until perhaps the last 4 years of my life, I got almost everything I set my mind on. So you can imagine how the advice to let go, leave things, experience more than do necessarily, is driving me nuts. But I'm trying it out and I've found some interesting ways to relax.

One way is to focus on things that make me happy that don't require too much action'reaction from outside parties. I'm now thinking of creating a spa schedule, really thinking of a way to lose more weight, and a fixed set of activities with the kids. On a more 'concrete' note, I am trying to work out how to buy my own car and improve my computer situation at home. I am finding that, at least half the time now, my mind is focused on all those things and I feel less anxious about things I have no control over. I think this might actually work. I am feeling positive. What are other ways to de-focus? Suggestions?

List for Santa

2009-12-01T17:54:00.002+08:00

Dear Santa,

These are what I would like to receive this Christmas:

1. My kids's constant health and happiness.
2. What I pray for constantly.
3. Exciting job growth.
4. Money.
5. Car.

I've been good this year. Well, I tried. I did the best I could. Do you think you could give these to me?

Thanks ever so much,

Vicki

Question about FATE

2009-11-27T20:08:00.002+08:00

I was watching Sex and the City a couple of nights ago after work and Carrie's question for that episode was "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?" I thought this was a very interesting question, in the real sense of the word interesting.

CAN you make a mistake and miss your fate?

Doesn't fate, by definition, mean something meant to be come what may? So if this is so, then no matter what you do or don't do, you will get it. Because it was preordained as something meant to be yours or for you. If so, where does choice fit in?

What if there is no such thing as fate? What if all that you have or are meant to have is because you made it happen. Because you chose the roads to travel. Where then does fate fit in?

I am at that point where I am wondering what I have control over in my life. My friend said sometimes no matter how hard you try, if it isn't meant for you, it won't happen. She also said, on the subject of relationships at least, some people don't end up with anyone because perhaps this was not the plan for them (in this lifetime). Wow. Can Fate be that cruel? To have your life planned as a solitary one? Or maybe it just seems cruel to me because I've always wanted to share my life with a partner.

Confusion.

Envy

2009-11-27T15:48:00.002+08:00

I've been a Facebook addict almost from the moment I created my account. It's the most fantastic source of stress relief. It can kill boredom easily and make the minutes of a tedious work day fly by. Plus, I've been able to talk to some of my friends from the UK, whom I haven't seen in 10 years, and some of my friends from grade school, whom I haven't seen for a longer time, because of Facebook. I truly love it.

I've been staring at the page of one of my oldest friends though and I am hit by this pang of envy. She was my best friend until 5th grade and then we lost touch. Back then, she was considered the wild one. I really don't know much about her life after 5th grade but I always thought she would end up more messed up than me. I know, sounds mean, but back then I was the serious, more stable one. Now, however, she is doing really well. She lives in the States, she's married to a hot and really sweet man, she has a daughter and is now expecting a son. She looks fantastic (as in sexy and really pretty, even pregnant), he husband adores her, and she works full time but is happy with what she's doing. I am so pleasantly surprised, really happy for her, and downright, unabashedly envious.

I think this is one of those "self-pity" moments my friend was telling me I would experience.

Must.Stop.

2009-11-26T18:36:00.004+08:00

How do you stop wanting something so much?
They say if you want something too much, the more you won't get it.
They say if you squeeze too tight, it will slip away.
They say let go, let it happen, let it fall into place.
This is so hard.

How do I do this?

Trying not to Feel

2009-11-26T17:01:00.002+08:00

I've been stuck in a rut lately. Affie says it's my mind trying to work out everything that's happened over the past few months. I suppose she could be right. All I know for sure is I bounce between feeling really depressed and feeling as if everything is happening to someone else. Throughout both extremes, I am constantly trying to get an organized thought out. And trying to keep out thoughts and emotions that are just too confusing to process at the moment. Suffice it to say, Vicki is not a happy camper right now.

On the way to work, I was listening to my player as I always do, and one of my new songs from Frou Frou stuck. Particular lines to be exact. These are below:

So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave
ofCue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you

Without going into a long explanation, or any to be exact, this sums up a portion of what I am feeling. Dammit! I need to get a grip!

Reflections

2009-11-21T16:28:00.001+08:00

Since the ‘big change’, I’ve been constantly bombarded with comments about how I should reflect, do a lot of soul-searching, and find out if emptiness I may feel is a result of real longing for a partner or an incomplete self. And I listened to all the advice (even if it seemed at times that my mind was elsewhere). I’ve looked inside; in fact, I’ve been looking inside for a while now, and here are some of my reflections.

I think I’ve felt alone for a while now. That song or poem (I don’t quite remember which) with the line “1 is the loneliest number” obviously knew so little. 2 can be lonely too, contrary as it may sound. And so my constant fear of being alone has, in fact, been a reality for a while now, without me realizing it. At least, alone inside. Since I am obviously alive and kicking, even if, in the words of Meredith Grey, a little damaged, but still strong, and still able to see the silver lining and hope for rainbows, then I think I can actually manage being alone inside. As for the loneliness of being physically alone, well, that’s something I have to work on. I have my kids with me almost all the time so I am definitely not alone. I have my family and friends who I can see any time so I am definitely not alone. I just need to work on not having anyone to talk to at night, when I get home after a tiring day, with the desire to do nothing but talk about my day, or vent, or dream. But I can wait for this and in the meantime build that archive of stories to tell.

My kids are a part of me that I cannot imagine being without. It’s very difficult to even remember what it was like before them. I never want to be without them at the same time I do not want to be defined only by them. They are an ever-evolving product of my love, and a source of constant pride, but I am more than their mother. I am not just their mother. And I think, when they are older, they will appreciate this from me.

It may look like I am not ‘grieving’ my marriage, but the truth is, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears over it over the last months and during some months in between the years. It came to the point where my tear ducts refused to work anymore. And, while I will always love the father of my children in some way, shape, or form, I can tell now that my heart longs for more that he can give. At least, more than he can give me the way we both are now. People ask me if there is no hope to fix what was broken (pardon the pun), and I always say there should always be hope because we are married but there should also be a realistic recognition of the way things are as they stand today. And right now, both he and I appear to be better together now that we are apart. And sad as it is, the sadness need not necessarily extend inward. There is more relief than sadness in the knowledge that perhaps we can still be friends after all of this, an important thing since we have children. All these comments may make people believe that I am capable of turning my feelings on and off with the snap of a finger. On the contrary, it took a decade of togetherness to reach where we are now and the realizations I know today. So, a snap of a finger is far from the truth. But I am ready to move on to better things, whatever these might be and I am opening myself up to an infinite wealth of possibility. I truly believe that the Universe will give me what is meant for me- whether it be my husband but different and better, or someone else. And as Livi said once, the Universe will also give me exactly what I need right now.

Non-Negotiables

2009-11-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

I am quite sure my list of non-negotiables will be laughable but I don’t care. Too general or too specific as some may be, I am at a point where I am stuck on what I want. And I feel like writing it down (or blogging about it, as the case is) is a way to seal the deal, etch it in stone or cyberspace, cemented enough that the Universe cannot not pay attention.
So, here’s the list:

LOVE- Twilight-like, head-spinning Love (OK, even in parts is fine. This doesn’t have to be the case all the time)
LOVE MY KIDS- Pretty self-explanatory. You take me, you take them. Period.
RESPECT- yes, just what Aretha sang. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
FRIENDSHIP- this would include knowing and accepting me, and at least sharing some of my interests. And, apparently, they are geeky. I love to read, and watch movies. I love music. I can’t go anywhere without music. I love to see people but people I like and know. I am not too good meeting new people and not great at all socializing with people I don’t like, but I am working on it (so a little respect for this work-in-progress, please). I like going out but I prefer to go to places I know and that have good food, drinks, and music. Sometimes I feel like going to fancy places but I’ve found, through the years, that this is not as important to me as it used to be. Sometimes, I just want to stay home and watch TV shows with really good scripts. I don’t normally watch comedies. I don’t find them funny. I prefer sarcasm, now that’s hilarious to me. I’ve said this before and I will say it again; there is a lot to be said about being quiet in a car with someone and not feeling the need to fill the silence with meaningless words. I am a resurrected hopeless romantic. I find myself now searching for my rainbow connection, my own Landon Cater and Lloyd Dobler; hoping for the signs that will be my ‘Serendipity’ moment. And, in the spirit of Sleepless in Seattle, I want that magic touch, when you hold hands and you just know. I don’t know how anyone is going to live up to the last section (the hopeless romantic part) but I am convinced it will be that way.
RESPONSIBILITY- I want that person to be accountable for the life he leads and wants to lead. And I want that accountability to be geared towards bettering oneself. I would like to be successful in my career, and I would like him to be successful too. Choice of career is entirely up to him but giving it his all and then seeing all the rewards of hard work, is important. I would like him to welcome the things that separate men from boys. I would like him to be ready and unafraid to think and live for more than himself.
COURTSHIP and ROMANCE- I want to feel special. And, in my mind, me feeling special can be a result of the most inane things. Fetching me from work, meeting and socializing with my friends, going with me to have coffee or watch a movie, silly things like that. Flowers, text messages that say nothing and everything at the same time, call me cheesy. I don’t care.
LOYALTY and DEPENDABILITY- I don’t consider myself the beauty queen my cousin is, but I would like to be the only woman he sees. He can look at other women, but I want to be the only one he sees. The only one he wants. Trust is the key to every relationship. I want to be able to argue without fear of nuclear fallout in the form of irrational retribution. I would like to sleep peacefully at night knowing that the person I am with, whether physically with me or not, is really just with me. I don’t know if I’ve explained this well at all but I hope I have.
DESIRE- this is pretty self-explanatory, too.

Now, I know this is all about me, and my friends would say ‘well, that sounds just like me’, but I do recognize the need for give and take. And I am willing to do that, providing the giving and taking is fairly equitable.
So, this is my attempt at sending out the message of what I want for myself to the Universe. Waiting now. C’mon Universe. Hear me.

REBOOT

2009-11-16T16:22:00.000+08:00

Ok, so here it is.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged.
These events have, obviously, prompted me to close my old blog and open this new one.
New blog for new events, at least that’s how I want to look at it.

Recap:
Without going into all the sordid details, I am now living with my kids, just the three of us, in a new house, relatively far away from where we used to live. It’s been an adjustment for all parties involved but, thankfully, one that hasn’t been too taxing or difficult. I have a new, full-time job with a company that I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost a year. It was super tough to get in and even tougher now that I am part of the organization. But, it is something I’ve been praying for so I am thankful for it. New house, new job, almost a new me.

Realization:
When I wrote how I wanted my 30’s to be a decade of real living, meaning living according to how I wanted, with what I wanted, considering all that was important to me and weeding out the unnecessary things, little did I know how straight-to-the point and accurate the Universe was going to hand me what I wanted. It took a lot of clenching of the stomach and gritting of the teeth to move out and move on and now it’s taking even more of both to rediscover who I am and raise kids at the same time. I know it’s not a unique situation. In fact, it’s so commonplace it hurts. But it is MY unique situation and so I am dealing with it as any person would something that has never happened or that was never in the plan. Admittedly, I have no clue how to proceed half the time. SO I am relying a lot on ‘winging it’, for now.

Restart:
Here’s my plan then. Transition phase into life as it is now should be a roller coaster ride, if my personality is anything to go by. But I am bound and determined to look at it with positive eyes, to see it as a second chance to do better, be better, live better, love better. I am going to do my bloody best to make sure my kids feel loved and special, regardless of the situation we’ve placed them in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that with the precious few hours in a day I have with them, but I will do it anyway. I am going to list down my non-negotiables and make sure that, this time, I really know what I want and that I don’t sacrifice these or settle for less. I am going to try my hardest to suck the marrow out of life, without fear, without regret. I am thinking shoot for the moon this time. Maybe I’ll get a to the moon and back.